thanks to everyone who commented
grasshopper and everyone who got confused as to who was who - you have all
been very helpful - I have rejigged the grammar
it should be
The knock.
Perfectly controlled, she breathes, 'Come in',
a millisecond late as if
she might have been engaged.
So that 'she' says come in
and thanks also to davidc - without the discussion on emotion-poetry - this
might never have been written
Terri )O(
-----Original Message-----
From: The Pennine Poetry Works [mailto:[log in to unmask]]On
Behalf Of grasshopper
Sent: 24 January 2003 16:11
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: sub: membership
Dear Terri,
I enjoyed this, but feel the beginning lets down the end, which is very
good.
The narrative at the start is a bit too clipped to be clear, especially
about who he and she are :
The knock.
Perfectly controlled, she breathes. 'Come in'
a millisecond late as if
she might have been engaged.
That needs sorting out, I think, because it makes the reader stumble there,
and check backward and forward to work out who says Come in, and if the
speaker said it a millisecond late. What I think is implied is that 'her'
entrance is deliberately delayed -but a different break would make it clear,
and emphasise that delay.
Also I would look at 'past-painted presidents', -aren't all paintings
past-painted, unless the artist is still at work on them? I think I know
what you are aiming for there- the flaunting of a long tradition, but I
think there's a better way to express it.
Kind regards,
grasshopper
----- Original Message -----
From: "alderoak" <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Thursday, January 23, 2003 9:27 PM
Subject: [THE-WORKS] sub: membership
Membership
'Do you mind?' 'Of course not.' So she waits,
poised in elegant discomfort,
supervised by cut glass decanters
and past-painted presidents.
The knock.
Perfectly controlled, she breathes. 'Come in'
a millisecond late as if
she might have been engaged.
'The membership committee have considered your request.'
A pause. He coughs. Polite, she looks away,
out into the winter garden, where,
awkward as a toe-hole in a tight-tucked sheet of snow
a bunch of grubby snowdrops
hang their heads.
Terri )O(
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