Grassy, this is a very good read, but I wonder if the length of some lists
or better that every thought seems to be a list.
My dog is a carrier, not of disease,
but of bits and pieces, scraps, snippets, litter, (6)
torn cardboard, notepaper.
Some are rescued from the fliptop bin, (2 then 2, sort of 2 x 2)
dampened lovingly, sucked for lingering traces,
some found adrift, air-lifted, fostered. (3)
Ah, how the transparent case holds the essence
of chocolate ghosts. the intimate juices (a comma?)
of discarded tissues, the syrup of a sugar-bag. (3))
I, with my rubbish mentality, wonder at
this bliss of littleness, tastiness of trifles, (3)
significance of nothings.
I clear away. She exhumes, redistributes, (2)
attentive, soft-mouthed, (2)
a muscular re-cycling unit, warm, inexorable. (3)
If God exists, may he/she lift me from the heap
of throw-away, and mumble me into a word
like dog.
You write well enough to nearly pull it off, but to me not quite. The last
set of 3 in S1 was the point it went over the top for me. But lines 2 and 3
are the best example
but of bits and pieces, scraps, snippets, litter, (6)
torn cardboard, notepaper.
Yes, cardboard and notepaper are different items, but are the four in the
first line above? Why not scraps of litter, etc?
This line next on the my list
some found adrift, air-lifted, fostered. (3)
Do excess modifiers count as excess if they follow the subject instead of
come before?
Sorry, the poem is there, but hidden.
Gary
Jan Jenifer Lawrence at: http://gardawg.homestead.com/gardawg.html ---
Writer's Hood at http://www.writershood.com/... Poets for Peace.... ˇPoemas
sí, balas no!
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