Hi Gary,
I like this poem a lot! There's big silences that come after each thing it
says.
I think this version works better than the first one, too. (In the first one
I wasn't sure if the interval between the stanzas was a small period of time
or years! Now I feel it's clearer, more measured.)
I'm wondering if each section might benefit from starting with the word
"for". I know the repetition of words (even such small words as for, or and,
or but, or when (etc)) has to be used with care but the list-like nature of
this poem (where the word's hidden, not said but implied) might benefit from
having it stated.
Whaddya think?
Bob
>From: Gary Blankenship <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New: I Wait
>Date: Thu, 23 Jan 2003 10:04:41 -0800
>
>I Wait
>
>for mom to call dinner
>the call for a job
>you to say yes
>the doctor to finish his rounds
>daddy to get home
>the last bell,
>the first day of school
>
>the clock to wind its way round the dial
>like a track anchored on both ends
>by wash-out bridges
>
>dad to finish his peas
>the interview to be over
>your crooked smile
>the doctor to get to the point
>quiet time
>afternoons in the library
>new clothes new haircut new shoes
>
>the shadows on the wall
>to lengthen into dawn
>as crows squabble over greasy paper
>
>the last shoe to drop
>the last dog to die
>
>Jan Jenifer Lawrence at: http://gardawg.homestead.com/gardawg.html ---
>Writer's Hood at http://www.writershood.com/... Poets for Peace.... ˇPoemas
>sí, balas no!
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