An interesting piece
a few things seemed to jar
so some nit=picks below for you to chew over

----- Original Message -----
From: "Gary Blankenship" <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Saturday, December 27, 2003 12:33 AM
Subject: Sol Sestina


This is a job of work, a poem for a poetry site where I do reviews, and a
form I am less than comfortable with - a free form sestina without envoy
(the instructions I was given).  While no meter, most lines are 10 count, a
few 9 to cut extra words.  In a sestina, end words are repeated but it is
okay to do variations in meaning and even spelling to rid the work of dull
repetition.

The theme given is snow birds.

Your comments most welcome, including word cuts.  I do prefer to stay at 10
or less count per line.

Thanks.

Gary

SOL Sestina

I search for goldfinch in quiet gardens,
their per-chik-o-ree call gone until spring
and yellow weeds bloom among tame blossoms.

**
"and " suggests that you are searching for the yellow weeds
"the yellow weeds" would read OK and keep the length

Crystal snow drifts over frozen ground
like white parachutes chased by frantic birds
long departed for Baja's shining surf.

From frosted beach grass, I watch curlews surf
the sound's shore like wasps ply the garden
and gnats ride air to escape hungry birds.
Fall we wish for winter, in winter spring,
chasing the seasons as quail go to ground
and bees hunt honey in dead blossoms.

At Cabo among scarlet and gold blossoms,


** shouldn't there be a comma after Cabo?

I open a window and quickly surf
for migration routes to reveal the ground

**
consider
routes that reveal

covered to get from here to our garden,
amazed every flight arrives in spring
the precise moment I look for my birds.

Web search complete, I watch hummingbirds
dart and dive from blossom to bright bloom,
their flight and snap as if they've tail springs,

***
this line seems to be wrong
is their a typo for they
but then that would clash with the they've
the line definitely needs thinking about

zero pounds of naught that on the surface


***
zero and naught sounds clever but is tautology

seem too stressed to be part of a garden
where even flies seem totally grounded.

***
I know repitions of words are permissable and encouraged in sestina
but the two "seems" here seem to clash in a way other repetitions
such as tired/home in the next stanza don't clash.

Tired of sun, home to common frozen ground,
tired of color, home to dull brown birds -
titbush, nuthatch, the tone of dead gardens,
junco, chickadee, like broken blossoms -
wave after wave of drops in sandy surf.
Tired of winter, we wish the birds of spring.

***
consider
wish for birds of spring
unless you really mean
we greet the birds of spring.

The first redbreast seen when the crocus spring
through the frozen crust of snow-covered ground?

**
why the question-mark here?

Sparrow tracks and wren's mark the surface.
Rejoice in the return of festive birds,
content nods from a rainbow of blossoms,
and songs spread beyond our simple garden.


Overall this is a nice solid poem that sings
just needs a few tweaks here and there

yours
Gerald