Thanks for your comments Helen - with tregard to somethng happening, the
feelign I have is of trying to hang on till the spring comes >without<
anything happening!>
on 16/12/03 11:23 am, Helen Clare at [log in to unmask] wrote:
> I think what you have here sally is not so much like haiku as moving towards
> an anglo-saxon form - four beat divided lines with alliteration - and it
> might even be interesting to explore that further.
> I like the hinging on the central couplet and the coming back to the first
> line - but am less sure about using "deep darkness" in the first line of the
> third stanza.
> It works very well as a descriptive piece - but I'm afraid the reader I am
> wants something to happen! Just me.
> Helen.
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: Sally Evans <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]
> Sent: Tuesday, December 16, 2003 10:12 AM
> Subject: Dark Cycle revised
>
>
>> It strikes me a rewrite is like a translation - from the "original" to
> how
>> one now sees it - this one has now been warmed up into a kind of
> christmas
>> greeting. I realise too what I didnt when I first did this, that it is in
>> haiku mode.
>>
>> bw
>> SallyE
>>
>> Dark cycle
>>
>> the deep darkness in northern lands
>> mint and rosemary crack and dry
>> leaves gather in ruts no swallows left
>> to clothe and soothe windswept trees
>> we batten doors inside thick walls
>> five weeks four weeks till year's turn
>> then still the two coldest months
>> in moors mountains islands seas
>> our small town its ribbon road
>> the sub-station frequently blown
>> emergency lighting candles
>> freezer stores telephone numbers
>> email addresses thoughts wishes
>>
>> at the heart holly fires
>> crude baubles envelopes from friends
>>
>> the deep darkness of wise sleep
>> pale sun seeps through the people
>> holed up indoors we take a walk
>> out of our street to the country
>> we drive through monochrome days
>> hoard artichokes under the ground
>> collapsed sorrel on the surface
>> juniper and fir water swirls
>> down black rivers winter winning
>> wind before snow after raindrops
>> robins peck at the window
>> a slice of bread us two alone
>> our northern lands in deep darkness
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