I think what you have here sally is not so much like haiku as moving towards
an anglo-saxon form - four beat divided lines with alliteration - and it
might even be interesting to explore that further.
I like the hinging on the central couplet and the coming back to the first
line - but am less sure about using "deep darkness" in the first line of the
third stanza.
It works very well as a descriptive piece - but I'm afraid the reader I am
wants something to happen! Just me.
Helen.

----- Original Message -----
From: Sally Evans <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]
Sent: Tuesday, December 16, 2003 10:12 AM
Subject: Dark Cycle revised


> It strikes me a rewrite is like a translation - from the "original"  to
how
> one now sees it -  this one has now been warmed up into a kind of
christmas
> greeting. I realise too what I didnt when I first did this, that it is in
> haiku mode.
>
> bw
> SallyE
>
> Dark cycle
>
> the deep darkness    in northern lands
> mint and rosemary    crack and dry
> leaves gather in ruts    no swallows left
> to clothe and soothe    windswept trees
> we batten doors    inside thick walls
> five weeks four weeks    till year's turn
> then still the two    coldest months
> in moors mountains    islands seas
> our small town    its ribbon road
> the sub-station    frequently blown
> emergency lighting    candles
> freezer stores    telephone numbers
> email addresses     thoughts wishes
>
> at the heart     holly fires
> crude baubles     envelopes from friends
>
> the deep darkness   of wise sleep
> pale sun seeps    through the people
> holed up indoors   we take a walk
> out of our street   to the country
> we drive through    monochrome days
> hoard artichokes    under the ground
> collapsed sorrel    on the surface
> juniper and fir    water swirls
> down black rivers    winter winning
> wind before snow    after raindrops
> robins peck    at the window
> a slice of bread   us two alone
> our northern lands   in deep darkness