> Hello Ciaran,
               This is an interesting piece. My feeling as I read was that some of the elements were a bit overworked in the sense of being over-explained or conveyed with extra wording which in some cases came across as a bit awkward. Fir example, is `swung´ in S2 line 1 really the right word for what you want to communicate here? Also at the end I felt that you were adding details that the reader would not really be able to connect with. I would suggest cutting this down quite a bit and as an example only of how I think it might be done I´ve written it out in a new form. I hope you don´t mind my taking that liberty.

After

In the weeks after your death,
your face, the sound of your voice
disappeared from my memory,
then came back, projected onto people 
in the street, as if my thoughts
that could not reach you returned to me,
amplified, from the dark side of the moon.
I remember you told me the moon dragged
all living things towards it
and we should fight against its pull.
It´s too late now for you to find that balance
or, giving your own view of the matter,
bring me back down to earth,
tell me strange facts I´d never heard before.


This is just a suggestion, of course, but I hope it might be useful to you if youre thinking of reworking the poem. I think the subject and the images you´ve chosen to carry it work very effectively.





Best wishes,   Mike



> Lähettäjä: Ciaran Parkes <[log in to unmask]>
> Päiväys: 2003/12/12 pe PM 08:56:52 GMT+02:00
> Vastaanottaja: [log in to unmask]
> Aihe: After
> 
> Hello, here is a debut contribution to The Works.
> Any feedback welcome,
> 
> Ciarán
> 
> 
> AFTER
> 
> In the weeks after your death,
> your face, the sound of your voice
> disappeared from my memory,
> then came back, projected onto people
> in the street, turning up everywhere, as if
> 
> you had swung into a darkness where
> not even thoughts could reach, and then
> echoed back, amplified. The dark side
> of the moon perhaps, I remember you telling me
> how the moon dragged all living things towards it
> 
> and we had to fight against its pull. Too late
> now to balance out the pull
> it had on you, for you to give your side
> of this conversation, bring me down to earth,
> tell me strange facts I hadn't heard before.
> 
> Gone, like your pain and all the things
> we could have done together, your smile,
> your restless intelligence, your touch.
> I could have phoned you once, or wrote, but now
> can't reach to you, can't lose you from my sight.
> 
> 
> Ciarán Parkes
> 
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