Hi Frank,
I like this poem, is straightforward reporting of what it's like to be
there,
its linebreaks, it's ability
to tell it how it is.
(But I agree with the comments about the need for capitalisation too! I feel
that's also how we see things!)
I also would cut off the last line. I can't see how it's needed. I've also
wondered whether you need to say your old home is burning... I'm wondering
if it isn't trying too hard to make an audience or readership feel for you?
I'm in two minds about this! Have been for days...
Bob
>From: Frank Faust <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: sub- victoria aflame
>Date: Wed, 22 Jan 2003 22:45:10 +1100
>
>and now it is mount buffalo in the air
>I can taste it
>Victoria is burning and remnants
>from an acreage of flame
>have shrouded melbourne
>like a smog that is the land
>that is all the good
>gone
>black and dying
>
>and in my home town
>the hills and valleys are alight
>from the old home
>you can see flame burning
>licking at sky
>turned crimson red
>embers on the rise
>close enough to fire
>the cricket pitch
>where zim evans used to bat
>while I would bowl
>and I don't think
>it's ever going to be
>the way it was
>
>my old home
>is burning
>
>on fire
>
>~
>
>Frank
>
>
>
>The Tales of Faust poetry page can be found at:
>http://www.tales-of-faust.com/
>
>
>
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