Dear Barbara,
  I don't think it's one of your best.
For me the first part is a rather boring list poem, and because you've gone
for very obvious rhymes, it reads like doggerel to me. Inversions to get the
rhyme like jungles deep should be avoided, I feel -they just make the need
to rhyme at that point too obvious.
I think you could delete the first stanza without losing much, if anything,
from the poem, because you sum up the essence of it in the first line of S2.
I wonder if the rest of the poem wouldn't work better without the corset of
the rhyme scheme?. A few specific comments below:
Kind regards,
  grasshopper


(Barbara's original poem below)


Where are the men to make me dream,
And in their heart deep passions hold,
(inversion alert)
And capturing mine refuse to blink,
I long for one to stand so bold.
 ( two 'so's ?)
So few I've met that I lose heart
(inversion alert)
Of finding all I long to know,
Do not ask first, just hold me tight
And let us take this dance real slow.
(real slow is probably good 'Murican, but reads real slangy to UK ears-
really slow)
Our comfort zone, the place we live,
(This is an incomplete sentence-where's the main verb?)
We are grown fat with summer's ease,
In doing so we die half way
And miss the chance to live and breathe.
The skin is soft, the answer slow,
(this doen't make much sense to me-answer to what?)
I'm gone and no one cares at all,
I shake my head; there's no pursuit,
This passionlessness that makes us small.
Measuring consequence a million times,
(How did the lack of passion equate with measuring consequence?)
We miss the edge of life we crave,
(the trouble is that you've already died a few lines back)
This adventure and heroic love
(suggest the adventure rather that this -the whole point is that 'this' is
lacking)
That causes us to rise up brave.

So count me with those hungry few
Who long to taste life all the way,
I care not what the end might bring,
(I care not- archaism- I don't care?)
I only care the game to play.
(Inversion and a couple of cliches there)
I will chose yes to everything
That comes my way, to make me strive,
I'm willing even yet to bleed
If just to prove I am alive.
So life come at me, I will not turn
Except to open arms out wide,
I want to feel the wind and rain
And swim out with the parting tide.

And all you men… this you should know,
If your heart is wild and fearless, too,
There are some who long for your deep touch
And I am on the hunt for you.
( I almost feel that these last four lines are the poem in themselves)

Apologies if these comments are of no help to you.

----- Original Message -----
From: Barbara Ostrander
To: [log in to unmask]
Sent: Wednesday, January 22, 2003 2:20 PM
Subject: [THE-WORKS] sub: I am on the hunt for you...


I would appreciate all comments and crits.

Thanks you,
Barbara Ostrander


I am on the Hunt for You


Where have all the cavaliers gone,
The war-horses and knights in armor white,
The explorers of the arctic chill,
And Vikings unafraid to fight?
Where are those men who found new worlds,
And sailed on rough uncharted seas,
Who dared to put wings on their backs
And take their dreams upon the breeze?
Where the cowboys who rode the plains,
The outlaws running hard and fast,
The priest who trekked through jungles deep,
And gladiators of the past?
Where the inventors that believed the dream
Enough to face the laughing crowd,
Those who fight dauntless hand to hand
And die to make their country proud?
And flying ore targets dense with fire,
Where are those fighter pilots true,
Those who would dare fly to the moon
Are strong and passionate men so few?

Where are the men to make me dream,
And in their heart deep passions hold,
And capturing mine refuse to blink,
I long for one to stand so bold.
So few I've met that I lose heart
Of finding all I long to know,
Do not ask first, just hold me tight
And let us take this dance real slow.

Our comfort zone, the place we live,
We are grown fat with summer's ease,
In doing so we die half way
And miss the chance to live and breathe.
The skin is soft, the answer slow,
I'm gone and no one cares at all,
I shake my head; there's no pursuit,
This passionlessness that makes us small.
Measuring consequence a million times,
We miss the edge of life we crave,
This adventure and heroic love
That causes us to rise up brave.

So count me with those hungry few
Who long to taste life all the way,
I care not what the end might bring,
I only care the game to play.
I will chose yes to everything
That comes my way, to make me strive,
I'm willing even yet to bleed
If just to prove I am alive.
So life come at me, I will not turn
Except to open arms out wide,
I want to feel the wind and rain
And swim out with the parting tide.

And all you men… this you should know,
If your heart is wild and fearless, too,
There are some who long for your deep touch
And I am on the hunt for you.

BBO
12/30/00