Hi Mike,
I'm enjoying not getting everything out of this poem! You've caught a mood
that only a poem can catch, sort of specific but not altogether explainable
in any other way except the way it's offered.
There's one or two bits where I'm not so sure if it works as well as the
rest... I'll put comments where I sense I'd like it to work better!)
I'm also intruiged by the last line! It makes the whole poem work as a
metaphor - and my comments are possibly trying to help the poem prepare for
the significance of the last line (by weighing the impact of particular
words and lines against it).
Bob
>From: Mike Horwood <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New sub: Domestic geography
>Date: Wed, 26 Nov 2003 10:43:25 +0200
>
> >
> > Domestic Geography
> >
> > On a polished table the vase stands;
> > red roses lend to a cool room
> > an opulence and elegance. (IF THIS FIRST SENTANCE IS INTENDING TO HINT
>THAT THE ROSES ARE AN OFFERING, A TOKEN, A HINT OF FORGIVENESS, IT "MIGHT"
>BE THAT THE ROSES COULD BE MENTIONED FIRST. a FIRST LINE: Red roses placed
>in a vase... SHOW MORE THAT THEY'VE JUST ARRIVED, THAT THEY'VE NOT BEEN
>THERE FOR AGES AND AGES...)
> > The dark wood, in places, shines
> > like water where it catches light.
> >
> > In Alpine white the four walls rise
> > above the Persian carpetīs intricate design (NOT SURE ABOUT "intricate"
>BECAUSE ALL PERSIAN CARPETS ARE INTRICATE - BUT I LIKE "persian" BECAUSE OF
>THE NOTION THAT ALL PERSIAN CARPETS HAVE A BUILT IN FLAW TO SHOW THAT NOT
>CARPET-MAKER IS PERFECT! PERSIAN IS A SUBTLE WORD IN THE POEM...)
> > of russet islands set in shimmering blues
> > while glazed and panelled double doors
> > reveal a new perspective,
> >
> > where, after breakfast, I have climbed
> > to a high, hard place, my muscles racked
> > and sore. Small as an ant
> > I labour over the tabletop plain, (THE PHRASE tabletop plain AIN'T
>WORKING TOO WELL FOR ME... THE NEXT LINE IS BETTER, IMHO... I CAN "SEE"
>WHAT YOU MEAN FAR MORE CLEARLY)
> > under the teacup peaks, the eggshell snow,
> >
> > to the edge, where my balance
> > and sense of proportion waver.
> > Fear fills my view of the prospect. (A WEAK LINE! SOUNDS LIKE A NOVICE
>VICTORIAN MOUNTAINEER WRITING A POSTCARD TO HIS UNIVERSITY PALS!)
> > The deep blue of repose is so far, ("of repose" FEELS IFFY. I LIKE THE
>WORDS deep blue BUT I'D BE PLAYING WITH LOTS OF OTHER WORDS TO CREATE A
>LINE, AND MAYBE PUTTING deep blue ELSEWHERE IN THE LINE AS WELL...
> > so great the leap into the lap of forgiveness.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Mike
> >
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