> Hello Helen,
              I can´t say if it´s an improvement because I don´t remember the earlier draft so well, but this works well, I think. There are a couple of points that I would mention for you to think over, perhaps, though (as always) these are just things that have struck me and some of these are tentative queries rather than outright suggestions. I wonder why you´ve chosen the present perfect tense for your first verb in the opening line. As I read the opening I understood that `the time we´ve had´ refers to a period before the `weeks apart´. if so I think I´d use `the time we´d had´. If `the time we´ve had´ is after the `weeks apart´ then I thnk I´d change `and´ to `after´. In S3 the list of similies for the curling lock reads very well but I wonder whether the effect of such an accumulation of different images helps the reader to focus on the original, the lock of hair. I think as I read I lose sight of the lock and follow the chain of images. I don´t know if that matters, it´s a nice chain, and maybe it is your intention, but I thought I´d mention it. Then the use of the word `slaked´. It suggests that the hair experiences thirst which jars a bit. Of course, it also chimes nicely with the more general sense of desire. Does the more literal sense interfere with your meaning here? As alternatives to `slaked´ `doused´ or `dripping´ might fit. 
Otherwise, I liked the idea of growing hair and the passage of time and the lines read very fluently.
I hope this is useful.


Best wishes,   Mike



> Lähettäjä: Helen Clare <[log in to unmask]>
> Päiväys: 2003/11/22 la PM 08:21:35 GMT+02:00
> Vastaanottaja: [log in to unmask]
> Aihe: Resub: Hair (aka Tonight)
> 
> Is this an improvement?
> 
> 
> Tonight
> 
> The time we've had, and weeks apart, and now
> we're talking hair. How mine's grown, stubbornly
> red, despite the mail I'd sent to say I'd died it plum.
> 
> Your rat-tail curls against your will - without the crop
> you'd look at daft as Charles the First, you say -
> I stretch it out, then let it go. It curls
> 
> like leaves in autumn, leaves in spring, like tongues
> and tails, like shaving parmesan, like scorching paint,
> like dragging ribbon between a scissor blade
> 
> and finger end. I'd curl this thread of time, sleep
> tonight, wake and wait for this: skin on skin,
> breath on breath. Your single curl slaked with sweat.
> 
>