I love the title; I think the poem works. I do not think you really need
these two lines.
kol tuv, Ryfsis
Sis, thanks. I had a variety of other lines at the end, but am now down to
He speaks
-Babe, I think.-
and she knows
taste the wind before the storm
*
Very well done piece. I loved this. It's perfect as is, IMO.
Barbara
Barbara, thanks, but perfect does not exist.
*
The rest of the poem does its work in quite a low key way, and I felt that
this was the bit that was trying too hard.
Helen
Helen, perhaps. I am playing with that looking mostly for a replacement for
becalmed
although he is quiet as a smooth sea,
she knows he's there,
flat, shallow, flaccid also considered.
Thanks.
Gary
The homepage on hold until ???--- Writer's Hood, the best poetry on the web,
at http://www.writershood.com/ Poets for Peace.... ˇPoemas sí, balas no!
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