now, for me, this is getting there. Striking one's funny bone and laughing
in agony is an interesting vehicle. The reader can hear the poem at that
superficial level, whilst being touched, less obviously by the undercurrents
of despair at distress being misconstrued.

If it were mine I'd now want to look carefully at words like 'sun' and
'cavern' and 'mountain' - see if I can hide them in the text - camouflage
them so the concept I want is there, but so that it flows with the
narrative. How can the 'sun' (light, warmth?) fit into this overt story of
injury/office life in a way that also enhances the deeper message?

I'd also want to think about the phrase 'mind that is frustrated'. What
would I mean by that? Both terms are a bit abstract. What do I mean by mind?
How can I show that (whatever it is) is frustrated/stopped/blocked...

Hope that helps

Terri )O(

-----Original Message-----
From: The Pennine Poetry Works [mailto:[log in to unmask]]On
Behalf Of D.C Bursey
Sent: 22 January 2003 20:39
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: lost from view2


The  laughter of pain, when
I struck my funny bone
in darkness reigns the king who passed out
as my sun bleeds my eyes swell.

Foundations of bone, reach through flesh
now limestone, plaster moulded
cement hope of getting off this ***king pump.

I dissolve in the cavern called an office
deep in the mountain that is my head
of my mind that is frustrated.

Your eyes blinded by the distance
cannot absorb my light.
and see me cry like a child