> Hello Sue,
IMHO you have greatly improved this piece. The language is wonderfully lyrical and rhythmic and there are some lovely internal (and end of line) rhymes and half-rhymes. On first reading I was a little doubtful about some words and phrases that might have seemed consciously poetic - `touch with gold´, `portend´, `empty now the slats´ - but I quickly overcame my doubts. I think the language you use works very well for its musical qualities. If this was mine I believe I wouldn´t change a thing.
Best wishes, Mike
> Lähettäjä: Sue Scalf <[log in to unmask]>
> Päiväys: 2003/11/04 ti PM 06:54:25 GMT+02:00
> Vastaanottaja: [log in to unmask]
> Aihe: Pyre much revised
>
> Adirondack Swing
>
> The way purple streaks and slants,
> flambeaux ignite the orchard
> in sunset light,
> touch with gold the fruit
> fallen in the grass.
>
> Shadows portend winter night.
> Moving in the wind, two vacant seats
> face the lake; empty now the slats
> where our backs leaned.
>
> Grapes swag
> and droop upon the vine,
> apples mellow on the ground,
> the fulfillment of roses and of wine
> touch places where we dreamed,
> now autumn's funeral pyre.
>
> Winesap, grapes, falling leaves,
> all of these return again,
> hands that cannot meet reach yet.
> In the ashes there is stirring
> something green, perhaps a leaf.
>
> Sue Scalf
>
|