> Hello Sue,
My first impression of this piece is its rhythm and the sounds of words and phrases. These work very well, I think. On a second and closer reading I noticed that `orchard´ appears twice in the first 3 lines. Is it possible to change one of them? `Slats´ in line 5 refers to the slats of the swing chair, I guess, so isn´t it a bit like saying the swing is as empty as itself? S2 is definitely my favourite and flows beautifully. My only query is the repetition of `cannot hide´. It is only a query, repetition can work to create a wistful atmosphere but if this was mine I would definitely try out some alternatives just to hear how they sounded.
Best wishes, Mike
> Lähettäjä: Sue Scalf <[log in to unmask]>
> Päiväys: 2003/11/02 su PM 07:14:05 GMT+02:00
> Vastaanottaja: [log in to unmask]
> Aihe: Pyre
>
> Pyre
>
>
>
> Flambeaus in the orchard cannot disguise
> the way fruit falls in the grass
> nor the orchard's demise.
> Two swings face the lake, moving
> in the wind, empty now as slats
> where our backs leaned.
>
> Dusty grapes that swag
> and droop upon the vine,
> apples that mellow upon the ground,
> the fulfillment of roses and of wine
> cannot hide places where we dreamed,
> cannot hide autumn's funeral pyre.
>
> Winesaps, grapes, falling leaves,
> hands that cannot meet and yet
> in the ashes there is stirring
> a bit of green, a leaf.
>
> Sue Scalf
>
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