I have to agree with grassy here. I rarely manage to write anything worth
reading if I try to hit how I feel head on. Taking a sideways look, though,
translating the emotion-words into actions, things and so on can end up
saying it better.
I often find it's good exercise as well; mental physiotherapy - a bit like
scales for musicians. If this feeling were a fruit/piece of clothing/ item
of domestic furniture - what would it be/look like what might happen to it?
You've got some of that in the poem. If it were mine, I'd scrape away the
overlay of abstraction (pain, hope, mind etc) and focus down on the
cave/bone image and see how that could get the reader to feel what it feels
like.
Hope that helps
Terri )O(
-----Original Message-----
From: The Pennine Poetry Works [mailto:[log in to unmask]]On
Behalf Of grasshopper
Sent: 22 January 2003 18:37
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: Lost from view
Dear David,
I think there's sometimes a confusion between feeling and expression. Poetry
is not about how much you've felt or suffered, but about how well you
communicate that to someone else. So what we crit are the techicalities of a
poem, not the feelings that underlie or inspire it.
I've written poems about grief,for instance,in quite a measured way,when
at the time, I'd literally howled like an animal at the pain I felt.
Deep feelings don't guarantee a good poem,-in fact,. I think it is often
easier to write about things that we don't feel deeply about, or don't
involve us. Too much involvement can warp our artistic judgment. I'd be
very interested to know what others think about this.
Kind regards,
grasshopper
----- Original Message -----
From: "D.C Bursey" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Wednesday, January 22, 2003 5:27 PM
Subject: Re: [THE-WORKS] Lost from view
> Good! we all know you are sane
> never be sorry for the truth my friend and until you have that kind of
pain
> you will never know what it is thank you for your comments
> I know I was toooo... abstract with that but one never really knows until
one
> tries "right?
> dc
> grasshopper wrote:
>
> > Dear David,
> > The trouble with this for me is that it is all so abstract that I can't
> > connect with it.
> > What is the laughter of pain, or the laughter of pain in darkness? It
just
> > feels like a collection of 'poetic' phrases to me. Sorry to be so
negative,
> > but it just doesn't convince or engage me on any level.
> > Kind regards,
> > grasshopper
> >
> > ----- Original Message -----
> > From: "D.C Bursey" <[log in to unmask]>
> > Sent: Wednesday, January 22, 2003 4:01 PM
> > Subject: [THE-WORKS] Lost from view
> >
> > > The laughter of pain
> > > in darkness reigns
> > > as my sun bleeds.
> > >
> > > Foundations of bone,
> > > now limestone,
> > > cement hope.
> > >
> > > I dissolve in the cavern
> > > deep in the mountain
> > > of my mind.
> > >
> > > Your eyes
> > > cannot absorb
> > > my light.
> > >
>
>
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