Hi Mike,
Thanks very much for the feedback. I think you may be right about Line 3 -
reading it out loud it is a bit awkward, so I'm going to play around with
that one. I can't honestly remember what my reasons were for writing it in
that way, because it's been sitting around gathering dust for a long while
now, so a good, long fresh look at it is just what's needed.
I'm glad it seemed to come through to you without the problems Barbara
experienced - on her copy, the words all ran into one another. I'm not sure
why that happened, although the same thing sometimes happens when I email my
sister from here at work, so I'll have to take extra care in future.
By the way, thanks again for the PBS info. Signed up yesterday online and
eagerly await the catalogue. I think my credit card may take a hammering.
Also, I can recommend Borders - the store here has the poetry section tucked
away out of sight so that you have to ask to be directed to it, but it is
really pretty comprehensive. And there's a comfortable seat next to it for
browsing in luxury!
Best wishes,
Matt
 

-----Original Message-----
From: Mike Horwood [mailto:[log in to unmask]] 
Sent: 27 October 2003 10:17
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: New sub: A Journey Charm


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> Hi Matt,
           I would call this another goody. I like it a lot. I find it
nicely restrained. I think you´ve used rhythm very well to give an almost
incantatory, charm-like feel to lines. Line 3 is the one I felt was a bit of
an exception, but I can´t decide if it´s done on purpose, or if so, why.
It´s longer and the succession of `p´s and `b´s give it much harder and more
dominant sound than any other line. The combination can even be rather
awkward to enunciate. It could be you´ve used it to vary the rhythm and
sound. It could be you´ve used it for a reason I´ve missed. I´m not sure
quite what I think of the effect, so that´s one for you to ponder over. On
the whole I like the use of rhyme too. It´s quite subtle and appropriate to
the `charm´. My only query would be the `three-me´ rhyme which sounds a
little intrusive to my ear, but it may well be just me, so trust your own
judgement. I liked the ending a lot. I felt a slight hint of a Shakesperian
sonnet theme in the image of the journey and the traveller leaving and
thinking of their return. Altogether a very nice piece IMHO.


Best wishes,   Mike



> Lähettäjä: "Merritt, Matt - Leic. Mercury"
<[log in to unmask]>
> Päiväys: 2003/10/25 la PM 05:46:41 GMT+03:00
> Vastaanottaja: [log in to unmask]
> Aihe: New sub: A Journey Charm
> 
> Hi,
> 
> Here's another one that's been tucked away in a notebook for a long 
> time. All suggestions on freshening it up eagerly awaited.
> 
> Thanks,
> 
> Matt
> 
> 
> 
> A JOURNEY CHARM
> 
> Sunglasses, warm coat,
> in case things turn cold,
> blanket, baseball cap, packet of Polos.
> The camera you always carry,
> waiting for the day.
> Book of the Road,
> though you must know the way.
> The tapes we both like -
> that's just two or three -
> and four more you can't stand,
> left there by me.
> 
> And while you stand a moment,
> checking your mobile phone,
> a kiss, and love unspoken,
> to carry along, and hurry you home.
> 
> 
>