> Hi Matt,
           I would call this another goody. I like it a lot. I find it nicely restrained. I think you´ve used rhythm very well to give an almost incantatory, charm-like feel to lines. Line 3 is the one I felt was a bit of an exception, but I can´t decide if it´s done on purpose, or if so, why. It´s longer and the succession of `p´s and `b´s give it much harder and more dominant sound than any other line. The combination can even be rather awkward to enunciate. It could be you´ve used it to vary the rhythm and sound. It could be you´ve used it for a reason I´ve missed. I´m not sure quite what I think of the effect, so that´s one for you to ponder over. On the whole I like the use of rhyme too. It´s quite subtle and appropriate to the `charm´. My only query would be the `three-me´ rhyme which sounds a little intrusive to my ear, but it may well be just me, so trust your own judgement. I liked the ending a lot. I felt a slight hint of a Shakesperian sonnet theme in the image of the journey and the traveller leaving and thinking of their return. Altogether a very nice piece IMHO.


Best wishes,   Mike



> Lähettäjä: "Merritt, Matt - Leic. Mercury"              <[log in to unmask]>
> Päiväys: 2003/10/25 la PM 05:46:41 GMT+03:00
> Vastaanottaja: [log in to unmask]
> Aihe: New sub: A Journey Charm
> 
> Hi,
> 
> Here's another one that's been tucked away in a notebook for a long time.
> All suggestions on freshening it up eagerly awaited.
> 
> Thanks,
> 
> Matt
> 
> 
> 
> A JOURNEY CHARM
> 
> Sunglasses, warm coat,
> in case things turn cold,
> blanket, baseball cap, packet of Polos.
> The camera you always carry,
> waiting for the day.
> Book of the Road,
> though you must know the way.
> The tapes we both like -
> that's just two or three -
> and four more you can't stand,
> left there by me.
> 
> And while you stand a moment,
> checking your mobile phone,
> a kiss, and love unspoken,
> to carry along, and hurry you home.
> 
> 
>