Hi Bob,
That's true. I'd left this one alone for at least six months, dusted it off,
thought "that's as finished as it'll ever be", and sent it in. But now,
thanks to people's comments, I can see lots of alternative versions worth
trying, so it's a process of constant evolution.
Matt
-----Original Message-----
From: Bob Cooper [mailto:[log in to unmask]]
Sent: 24 October 2003 13:09
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: New sub: Man Overboard
THIS EMAIL HAS BEEN SWEPT FOR VIRUSES BY THE NORTHCLIFFE GROUP MAILSWEEPER
SERVER.
Hi Matt,
Yeh, that's a good answer about the "we" and the "I"!
I guess one of the games I've often played with in my poems is switching "I"
to "he/she", "I" to "we", "he/she" to "they", or trying "you" (singular),
and seeing how some things look more awkward or better. It's often a good
game to play sopmewhere in the drafting process, it can show up
weaknesses/strengths only others might notice... I read somewhere, recently,
that Wallace Stevens once remarked that every poem of his was an experiment
- until it was finished. (And then I link that to the other phrase, perhaps
said by Paul Valery - but lots of French poets have got the credit for it
too - where he remarked that "a poem is never finished - only abandoned."
Bob
>From: "Merritt, Matt - Leic. Mercury"
><[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: Man Overboard
>Date: Fri, 24 Oct 2003 11:18:10 +0100
>
>Hi Bob,
>Thanks for the kind comments and suggestions. I think you might be
>right about the cabin/room and porthole/window problem. As you say,
>punctuation is there to help the reader, so it's worth playing around
>with it. I'll try what you suggest, because I can't settle on something
>I'm totally happy with
>yet.
>Not so keen to change to the first person singular at the start - I wanted
>to to make it clear that there's a whole group of people sharing what
>Christina called the "contained bewilderment" (great phrase that - I can
>use
>it when family and friends ask "what on earth is that all about then?"),
>whereas the switch to "I" was there to emphasise the very matter-of-fact
>narrator's well-meaning but clumsy attempt to help and/or shed light on
>what's happened.
>That said, I'm going to have a play around with what you suggested anyway -
>I've already enjoyed trying out the various things people suggested,
>because
>of course they help you see the piece from a whole different angle.
>Thanks again,
>Matt
>
>-----Original Message-----
>From: Bob Cooper [mailto:[log in to unmask]]
>Sent: 23 October 2003 16:51
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: Man Overboard
>
>
>THIS EMAIL HAS BEEN SWEPT FOR VIRUSES BY THE NORTHCLIFFE GROUP
>MAILSWEEPER SERVER.
>
>Hi Matt,
>A neat poem this, a neat piece to open your account! I like it -
>"nobody expects plain sailing"'s a fine, think-about-it, thing to
>write... With the "cabin... room" & "porthole... window" - it might be
>that the poem doesn't need them over-much... ... Or it might be that a
>/ might work (cabin/room) might work, or it might be that one of the
>words could be put in brackets: "into his cabin (room)". I guess those
>little marks we call punctuation are there to help the reader make
>sense of it more than they're there for any other reason and it's
>"possible" (but rare) to have brackets in poems... Also, as a
>possibility, I'm wondering how you'd feel about about starting the poem
>in the first person singular, using "I", and not "we" (because, near
>the end of the poem, you're using the "I" voice?). So it would start:
>"I shoulder my way..." etc. Whaddya think? Bob
>
>
> >From: "Merritt, Matt - Leic. Mercury"
> ><[log in to unmask]>
> >Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> >To: [log in to unmask]
> >Subject: New sub: Man Overboard
> >Date: Mon, 20 Oct 2003 17:49:19 +0100
> >
> >I've been reading the submissions for a couple of months now and have
> >been both impressed and a little daunted by their high quality, but
> >always entertained.
> >
> >Anyway, I thought it was high time I posted something myself, however
> >scrappy, so here goes....
> >
> >Please be gentle with me!
> >
> >
> >
> >MAN OVERBOARD
> >
> >Shoulder our way into his cabin...room.
> >There's Robinson Crusoe by the bed,
> >unread, and the shipping forecast drifting
> >through the porthole...window. We steal a look
> >in the log, fishing for clues. There are storm
> >clouds, true, but worse things happen at sea, and
> >nobody expects plain sailing. Not me,
> >anyway. All day, we chart courses he
> >might have taken, and someone remembers
> >waking, night after night, seeing the flares
> >go up. Not enough. I stick my oar in,
> >but it's too late. No one can fathom what's
> >happened. We're fog-bound, becalmed, run aground.
> >Anyone know how to turn this boat around?
> >
> >
> >
> >- Matt Merritt
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
>_________________________________________________________________
>Stay in touch with absent friends - get MSN Messenger
>http://www.msn.co.uk/messenger
_________________________________________________________________
Get Hotmail on your mobile phone http://www.msn.co.uk/msnmobile
|
