Hi Mike,
I think it would be a shame to ditch the poem! I find it appealing,
promising. It could, however, be one of those poems that needs a long sleep
- while you get on with writing other things - before it and you can work
together again... I don't know how long a poem takes to get itself right.
Responding further to what you're saying about the 2 phrases I queried:
"desirable elements" and "little birds."
I see what you're doing now with "desirable elements" - and it's witty now I
know where it's come from! But when I read it initially I, for one, couldn't
see it working like you've explained it in the poem. I don't know if it's
just me being insensitive to what I'm reading or the words in the poem not
being readable with the accent/raised-eyebrow tone you wish. Maybe there's
ways (like italics?) to stress the words more and give more chance of seeing
how they should be understood...
The second phrase, little birds, is, to me, so removed from the whole phrase
"a little bird (singular) told me" that I may have got what you were
alluding to if I'd read "A little bird... etc"
I sense poetry can play lots of half submerged games within a poem - and
this is a playful poem - so, if you want to include such games it might just
be that I'm not bright enough, or (if no-one else gets them either) they
don't work well enough.
And then something else...
You made a comment in your reply to grasshopper about punctuation - with the
comment, "does it matter all that much?" (I may be paraphrasing a tad here).
I'm wanting to but in and say Yes it matters! In poems there's changes in
what's used that follow trends, or fashions, but they guide the reader in
how the piece is read, they can also introduce subtleties.
I rage against my computer because MS Word sometimes decides (wrongly) to
change what I'm indending (even tho I've previously told it not to do such
things!). Bill Gates, it seems, can't read poems, can't understand how
people write poems!
(Oh, and now I need reading glasses I really hate stuff printed out in
Arial! I sometimes can't see what's a comma and what's a full stop - they're
so small and so similar - but now I'm moaning, moaning, and wandering off
the subject!!! LOL!)
Best wishes,
Bob
>From: Mike Horwood <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: Musical chairs - Bob
>Date: Mon, 20 Oct 2003 10:31:29 +0300
>
> > Hello Bob,
> Thanks for your thoughts on this one. I can offer an
>explanation of `desirable elements´, I took the cliché `undesirable
>elements´ which is used to suggest criminal groups and revitalsied it by
>changing it slightly thus producing something which is both familiar and
>new (this at least is what I would like to think, and in an ideal world it
>would be true....but where is that ideal world?) To me, then, `desirable
>elements´ suggests the opposite of criminal characters or, someone nice,
>like a lover for instance, for whom desire is a doubly appropriate term (I
>hope). An even message in code is a bloomer on my part! You quite right,
>it´s impossible. I hope you didn´t waste too much time trying to find what
>such a message could sound like. I´ve changed that now to `as fluent as a
>message in code´. The `little birds´ does sound twee, maybe it should go. I
>used it because of another cliché that was up for the good old famous
>revitalisation process, namely `a little bird told me´. This poem is all
>about rumours and people´s secrets getting out into the open (well, it is
>to me....except that´s not all it´s about) but anyway I thought I could
>hint at the little bird phrase, but it does sound odd, doesn´t it? Maybe
>this one needs a radical rework, or maybe I´ll just ditch it. Thanks for
>your comments, Bob.
>
>
>
>Best wishes, mike
>
>
>
> > From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
> > Date: 2003/10/17 Fri PM 07:15:58 EEST
> > To: [log in to unmask]
> > Subject: Re: New sub: Musical chairs
> >
> > Hi Mike,
> > I like this! Its approach, its subject matter, its style! The first two
> > lines make me want to continue!
> > But I keep wondering just what the "desirable elements" are? And then
>I'm
> > puzling over the statement "a rhythm as even/ as a message in code."
>because
> > I've spent hours wondering (off and on) just how even coded messages
>are!
> > Bob
> > (who also thinks the word "little" might be rather twee...)
> > (and, if you take Christina's advice about changing the stance of the
> > narrator, thinks the result ould also be canny!)
> >
> > >From: Mike Horwood <[log in to unmask]>
> > >Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> > >To: [log in to unmask]
> > >Subject: New sub: Musical chairs
> > >Date: Thu, 16 Oct 2003 16:03:36 +0300
> > >
> > >Musical Chairs
> > >
> > >At first he had not realised
> > >just how musical his chairs were.
> > >They had various obscure talents
> > >and were in secret communication
> > >with desirable elements
> > >in his environment.
> > >
> > >One morning in July, the air
> > >fairly pulsed with excitement
> > >as he warmed himself, and the chairs
> > >beat time with a rhythm as even
> > >as a message in code.
> > >
> > >Little birds sang the accompaniment,
> > >the tree swayed, the mat was astonished
> > >and the walls felt betrayed.
> > >
> > >For him it was all a game.
> > >Ignorance, in the midst of so much
> > >knowledge, was the price he paid.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >Mike
> >
> > _________________________________________________________________
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