Hi Bob,
Thanks for the kind comments and suggestions. I think you might be right
about the cabin/room and porthole/window problem. As you say, punctuation is
there to help the reader, so it's worth playing around with it. I'll try
what you suggest, because I can't settle on something I'm totally happy with
yet.
Not so keen to change to the first person singular at the start - I wanted
to to make it clear that there's a whole group of people sharing what
Christina called the "contained bewilderment" (great phrase that - I can use
it when family and friends ask "what on earth is that all about then?"),
whereas the switch to "I" was there to emphasise the very matter-of-fact
narrator's well-meaning but clumsy attempt to help and/or shed light on
what's happened.
That said, I'm going to have a play around with what you suggested anyway -
I've already enjoyed trying out the various things people suggested, because
of course they help you see the piece from a whole different angle.
Thanks again,
Matt

-----Original Message-----
From: Bob Cooper [mailto:[log in to unmask]]
Sent: 23 October 2003 16:51
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: New sub: Man Overboard


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Hi Matt,
A neat poem this, a neat piece to open your account! I like it - "nobody
expects plain sailing"'s a fine, think-about-it, thing to write... With the
"cabin... room" & "porthole... window" - it might be that the poem doesn't
need them over-much... ... Or it might be that a / might work (cabin/room)
might work, or it might be that one of the words could be put in brackets:
"into his cabin (room)". I guess those little marks we call punctuation are
there to help the reader make sense of it more than they're there for any
other reason and it's "possible" (but rare) to have brackets in poems...
Also, as a possibility, I'm wondering how you'd feel about about starting
the poem in the first person singular, using "I", and not "we" (because,
near the end of the poem, you're using the "I" voice?). So it would start:
"I shoulder my way..." etc. Whaddya think? Bob


>From: "Merritt, Matt - Leic. Mercury"
><[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New sub: Man Overboard
>Date: Mon, 20 Oct 2003 17:49:19 +0100
>
>I've been reading the submissions for a couple of months now and have
>been both impressed and a little daunted by their high quality, but
>always entertained.
>
>Anyway, I thought it was high time I posted something myself, however
>scrappy, so here goes....
>
>Please be gentle with me!
>
>
>
>MAN OVERBOARD
>
>Shoulder our way into his cabin...room.
>There's Robinson Crusoe by the bed,
>unread, and the shipping forecast drifting
>through the porthole...window. We steal a look
>in the log, fishing for clues. There are storm
>clouds, true, but worse things happen at sea, and
>nobody expects plain sailing. Not me,
>anyway. All day, we chart courses he
>might have taken, and someone remembers
>waking, night after night, seeing the flares
>go up. Not enough. I stick my oar in,
>but it's too late. No one can fathom what's
>happened. We're fog-bound, becalmed, run aground.
>Anyone know how to turn this boat around?
>
>
>
>- Matt Merritt
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

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