Hi Helen,
There is a lot to like in this poem which feels to me like a noir film.
Tiny glitches for me.
The "ing"ing.  "Their bottoms plump" is easier and starker on my ear than
"plumping".  I also think that "their side parts unconvincing" sounds better
than having two "ing's" back to back.
I felt that the idea of capitalism didn't sound fresh to me, but I really
liked "that a nation ...holding it's breath.... That worked for me. I don't
understand "sex is not a metaphor" a metaphor for what? I think you could
make great strides here!  I love the concept that she can not touch them
because "their surfaces are like eggshells." I'm not sure about the ending:
Its a small thing she asks for. A man she can dig her thumb into
and still be holding something solid.
It makes sense if she's not doing this for money, but somehow I got the
impression that she is having sex for money, even with the title.  I would
need more evidence that she is just out for a night on the town with these
men or some how found..ect. Maybe if you started with her and ended the
first stanza with "not her type".  Just an idea.  This is just one woman's
opinion, an old salty dog. I think you have something here and I enjoyed the
risk the poem takes.  A-



From: Helen Clare <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New Sub: Not Her Type
>Date: Sun, 19 Oct 2003 08:09:57 +0100
>
>Not Her Type
>
>Overgrown school boys, their bottoms plumping
>pin-stripe, their side partings unconvincing.
>She's met a few at Balls brothers (which it seems
>is not like Yates' Wine Lodge after all).
>
>They speak in 'we's and of collateral
>and names, they order wine without checking
>the list, then fill her glass.  And she in tight jeans
>and cleavage and smoking too much.
>
>Rarely are they inclined to consider
>that capitalism is a dog biting its own arse,
>or that a nation at war holds its breath
>because it is trying to stop its soul escaping
>
>  - they push on with their project. Sex, after all
>is not a metaphor. Nothing is piggy-backed
>on their desire for a woman so unlike their wives
>or sisters. She finds she cannot touch them.
>
>Their surfaces are like egg shell. As babies
>they had no fontanelles. Its a small thing
>she asks for. A man she can dig her thumb into
>and still be holding something solid.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>[log in to unmask]
>http://helenaclare.users.btopenworld.com
>07812 591 009

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