Hi Christina,
No... I'm not sure about this one either!
But I'm biased, I liked the other one (the one you posted before) best!
Here I'm sort of half remembering some famous (but almost forgotten)
comment: "the purpose of art is to conceal art" and I'm mentioning that
because this seems, in its first stanza, to show too much of it's art...
What do I mean? Well, in the way it starts it feels sort of A Very BIG
Poem... It might just be me who's been reading lots of long poems with
longish lines recently (pentameters, hexameters, et al) that makes me feel
at the end of the first stanza that it should be striding out for a lot
longer with the energy it's shown so far.
Then the second stanza sort of feels far too timid in comparison. It might
feel stronger if it had lines that worked with the same length, the same
energy and brio. But does the poem need a lot of brio?
Bob
(who can't forget the radio joke:
How much are your biscuits?
- 1/-
How much are your broken biscuits?
-6d
Then break me a pound...
(But I can't remember who's joke it was!)
>From: Christina Fletcher <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Biscuit Tin, 1910 (new draft)
>Date: Fri, 17 Oct 2003 16:55:09 EDT
>
>Not at all sure about this. Not even half sure. I seem to have loads of
>versions now. Oh well...
>bw
>christina
>
>
>
>
> Biscuit Tin, 1910
>
> The see-saw boys in sailor suits are dead men --
> just as the cart girl and her goat have gone
> where Billy's bridle rots. It bulged with gossips' heads,
> cats' tongues and horns but someone scratched the paint
> and split the sky, prodded and poked a child's pale eye.
>
> The only living thing is rust.
> Open the lid: there's almost nothing there --
> a crumb that's lost the smell of cinnamon
> and I, as my Oma's mother in the brass.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> christina fletcher
>
>
>
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