> Hello again Sue,
Thanks for your comments on this one. I´m giving your suggestions careful thought.
Best wishes, Mike
> From: Sue Scalf <[log in to unmask]>
> Date: 2003/10/16 Thu PM 06:45:38 EEST
> To: [log in to unmask]
> Subject: Re: New sub: Flood
>
> In a message dated 10/16/2003 8:26:21 AM Central Daylight Time,
> [log in to unmask] writes:
>
> Again, Mike, a little tightening. I like this because I once lived where
> there were many floods and we had our house destroyed a number of times. See
> suggestions below.
>
> << Flood (Alternate title: What Was Left)
>
> The water rose further
> up the trunk of the tree
> then entered the house. Omit first three lines. They add very little.
> The water put out feelers
> as it slid slowly over the floor
> and tasted the furniture, (changed it to "and" to help get rid of too
> many "its"
> tentatively licking
> the legs of tables and chairs.
> The water´s dark hand, "A" dark hand. We know it's water.
> climbed the walls and curtains
> and they felt its pressure. (understood so not needed)
>
> In the afternoon a pale light
> penetrated the window,
> glazing the silent surface
> of the water in the living-room. (omit "of the water" because we know this)
> By four o´clock books and lampshades
> were floating out through the door.
> By six the flow dragged pictures off the wall.
> The night was disturbed by cracks
> and groans and later by crashes.
> First light showed the debris drifting away.
>
> When the waters fell the land was bare.
> By the time he was old and almost blind
> he had difficulty remembering
> if anything was ever built there.
>
>
>
> Mike
>
> >>
>
|