Thanks, Bob, 'shows', yes, rather than 'rears', yes, and a nice colloquial
feel to the phrase 'to show one's head', and it carries the weight of 'a
brief visit' - as in "...nice of him to show his head". I like it.
Incidently, the off-beat rythmic stress of the rhyming word 'uncomplicated'
has been bothering. I've replaced the line, which now reads "beauty down the
same paths you tread."
Philip. Happy New Year.
>From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: new submission: THE SIGHT OF AUTUMN (second draft)
>Date: Fri, 3 Jan 2003 15:56:50 +0000
>
>Hi Philip,
>A neat revision! (But do you have to proclaim it's a villanelle right at
>the start? I think that became a distraction...)
>I really like the phrase:
>"But in my canopy of mind
>bright green communicates as red."
>the words work powerfully for me.
>I'm not too sure about the word "rear" tho... It feels very cliche'ish.
>Couldn't it just be "shows" (or something like that)
>Bob
>Who also liked the way its villanelleness was almost hidden in the first
>version - and the poetry skirmishes about purity of form are always fought
>(and seldom won).
>
>
>
>
>>From: Philip Burton <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: new submission: THE SIGHT OF AUTUMN (second draft)
>>Date: Thu, 2 Jan 2003 20:18:56 +0000
>>
>>THE SIGHT OF AUTUMN…. (second draft)
>>
>> - a villanelle
>>
>>
>>As I am red-green colour-blind -
>>or ‘colour challenged’ be it said.
>>You think I will be left behind
>>
>>when a palette of hues, unkind
>>as showy Autumn’s, rears its head.
>>As I am red-green colour-blind
>>
>>you think that russets must incline
>>to show me nothing much instead?
>>You think I will be left behind.
>>
>>But in my canopy of mind
>>bright green communicates as red.
>>As I am red-green colour-blind
>>
>>I can see olive green enshrined
>>in pale brown that, to you, is dead.
>>You think I will be left behind
>>
>>by October leaves, yet I find
>>them charming, uncomplicated.
>>As I am red-green colour-blind
>>you think I will be left behind.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
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