You may not have gotten this, so I am sending again.
Subj: Re: new sub: Summer. Evening
Date: 10/16/2003
To: [log in to unmask]
I love this poem. I think it could stand a tiny bit of tightening though.
For instance counting the title you have summer three times and have repeated
day unnecessarily. See what you think below.
<<
Summer. Evening (alternate title: Remnants)
Toward dusk the grass grows chill.
The air saps the day´s heat from rock and sand. Omit "day"
The cool warmth of a summer evening Omit this line and say "Twilight"
carries broken voices, late flies,
a ragged red cloud -
all the debris of a summer´s day
wrecked and sinking below the horizon.
Hope this helps. Sue
Mike >>
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