In a message dated 10/16/2003 8:26:21 AM Central Daylight Time,
[log in to unmask] writes:
Again, Mike, a little tightening. I like this because I once lived where
there were many floods and we had our house destroyed a number of times. See
suggestions below.
<< Flood (Alternate title: What Was Left)
The water rose further
up the trunk of the tree
then entered the house. Omit first three lines. They add very little.
The water put out feelers
as it slid slowly over the floor
and tasted the furniture, (changed it to "and" to help get rid of too
many "its"
tentatively licking
the legs of tables and chairs.
The water´s dark hand, "A" dark hand. We know it's water.
climbed the walls and curtains
and they felt its pressure. (understood so not needed)
In the afternoon a pale light
penetrated the window,
glazing the silent surface
of the water in the living-room. (omit "of the water" because we know this)
By four o´clock books and lampshades
were floating out through the door.
By six the flow dragged pictures off the wall.
The night was disturbed by cracks
and groans and later by crashes.
First light showed the debris drifting away.
When the waters fell the land was bare.
By the time he was old and almost blind
he had difficulty remembering
if anything was ever built there.
Mike
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