> Hi Colin,
I think that adding `that was´ does both things - makes it clearer but also it reads less smoothly. This is exactly the kind of problem that I´m often coming up against. You could maybe try juggling lines and phrases round. This is sometimes a way of getting round the difficulty of a phrase possibly referring to two things and might also be a way of avoiding the repetition of ´it came´.
Best wishes, Mike
> Lähettäjä: Colin dewar <[log in to unmask]>
> Päiväys: 2003/09/19 pe PM 10:49:30 GMT+03:00
> Vastaanottaja: [log in to unmask]
> Aihe: Re: newsub/territory
>
> Mike,
>
> Thanks for this. Originally I had the first lines: "It came from water THAT
> WAS like a shattered mirror". Is this preferable IYO or does it add
> clumsiness to clarity?
>
> No worries if you don't have time to reply and thanks for answering my other
> Q about PK.
>
> Colin
>
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Monday, September 15, 2003 8:46 AM
> Subject: Re: newsub/territory
>
>
> > Hello Colin,
> A very nice idea as a subject for a poem and I think you
> handle it well. I felt quite strongly after the first reading that I
> preferred the second part of the poem. Indeed I was puzzled about what
> exactly was going on until I reached S2 but then it all became clear so no
> worries. You might like to think over how those opening lines are put
> together, though. For instance, in the first line `like a shattered mirror´
> could refer to the water or to `it´. Just a thought.
>
>
>
> Best wishes, Mike
>
>
>
> > From: Colin dewar <[log in to unmask]>
> > Date: 2003/09/12 Fri PM 08:07:45 EEST
> > To: [log in to unmask]
> > Subject: newsub/territory
> >
> > Territory
> >
> > It came from water like a shattered mirror,
> > lit by sun and whitened at noon.
> > It came from a pool
> > where evening light left tiger skin on the pebbled bed.
> > It became a wet jewel that quivered in our net,
> > sun-spotted beyond a staring eye,
> > a torpedo of muscle that bent
> > from side to side.
> >
> > How we liked
> > the slip of it into the bucket.
> > Once we had one we caught one more
> > and then another,
> > three of them dashing like bullets
> > against the sky-blue floor
> > of the bucket, my son's head down
> > almost into the tamed water,
> > his first knowledge of the brown trout
> > that we took to our house.
> >
> > They bolted for cover
> > to the back of the tank,
> > a week later came out for bloodworm,
> > but one grew faster than the others,
> > wanted the tank to itself.
> > Silver scales fell when they met.
> >
> > So we went to the water,
> > my son leaning as he carried the bucket,
> > and slipped them in,
> > saw skins darken to brown
> > as they came home.
> >
> > We still hold the river in our minds,
> > imagine trout in the mountain hollow,
> > hidden by shadow and fragments of reflected sky.
> > We know them surrounded by stars,
> > by storms, by sun and moon,
> > striving for space in their dark pool.
> >
> >
> >
> > _________________________________
> >
> >
> > Colin
> >
> >
>
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