Frank,
No sharpness at all (in the sense that you meant sharp but sharp in the
other sense) and I'm grateful to have the feedback, which I will consider
closely.
Thanks,
Colin
----- Original Message -----
From: "Frank Faust" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Saturday, September 20, 2003 1:04 AM
Subject: Re: newsub/territory
> Hi Colin,
>
> Piggy-backing on others responses - I missed it first time round.
>
> Sorry if my comments are a bit sharp today (thinking iof the previous
> response I sent). May be the mood I'm in.
>
> Cheers,
>
> Frank
>
>
> > Territory
> >
> > It came from water like a shattered mirror, ***in my own writing (not a
> recommendation LOL), I'd be using line breaks to achieve a certain kind of
> flow. In this line it would be after 'water'.
> > lit by sun and whitened at noon.
> > It came from a pool***Again, for me, this would be a new stanza.
Probably
> not a useful observation. Oh well. Actually, why I think this is occurring
> to me is that you have pool descriptions that run into fish descriptions
and
> I'd probably be more comfortable in my reading if they were more distinct
> form each other.
> > where evening light left tiger skin on the pebbled bed.
> > It became a wet jewel that quivered in our net,***Not sure this needs
'it
> became'
> > sun-spotted beyond a staring eye,
> > a torpedo of muscle that bent ***delete 'that'. maybe 'bending' or other
> active descriptor?
> > from side to side.
> >
> > How we liked ***'liked' is a soft word. Must be better ones to describe.
> Even 'loved' is stronger to my ear.
> > the slip of it into the bucket. ***Love this line.
> > Once we had one we caught one more
> > and then another,
> > three of them dashing like bullets
> > against the sky-blue floor
> > of the bucket, my son's head down ***Sorry to be as I am today, but I
> think reference to 'my son's' really detracts from a god story.
Personally,
> I'd let the son be content with the knowledge that he was part of the 'we'
> and therefore an equal participant in the adventure. When he older and
tells
> his own sons of the day, he will say 'we'.
> > almost into the tamed water,
> > his first knowledge of the brown trout ***My comment above doesn't work,
> obviously, if this line is retained (and I do know that it's the point of
> the poem, so just ignore). My hunch is stoll that it would work better the
> other way, but these are just thoughts. I guess I'm focussed more on the
> timeless everyman presentation, than on the point in time personal.
> > that we took to our house.
> >
> > They bolted for cover ***Yep, I know, I got it wrong. Perhaps I might
just
> slink to a corner and shut up about now <sigh>.
> > to the back of the tank,
> > a week later came out for bloodworm,
> > but one grew faster than the others,
> > wanted the tank to itself.
> > Silver scales fell when they met.
> >
> > So we went to the water,
> > my son leaning as he carried the bucket,
> > and slipped them in,
> > saw skins darken to brown
> > as they came home.
> >
> > We still hold the river in our minds,
> > imagine trout in the mountain hollow,
> > hidden by shadow and fragments of reflected sky.
> > We know them surrounded by stars,
> > by storms, by sun and moon,
> > striving for space in their dark pool.
> >
> >
> >
> > _________________________________
> >
> >
> > Colin
> >
> >
>
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