Sally,

Thanks for this analysis which I appreciate greatly. I suppose I was
kaleidoscoping
it came from water
and
water was like a shattered mirror.

It's much too small a fish to be shattering anything (but if heavyweights
like you and Mike are struggling to make sense of it then it must be a very
poor start to the poem indeed.)

However, I like, "it came from the water's shattered mirror" or even "it
came from water's shattered mirror"  which encapsulates what I wanted to
convey.


Colin


----- Original Message -----
From: "Sally Evans" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Friday, September 19, 2003 10:16 PM
Subject: Re: newsub/territory


I dont think you can put 'that was': it just makes the
awkwardness more obvious. You are kaleidoscoping

it came from water
and
water was like a mirror
and
it shattered the mirror.

and you havent yet told us that it was a trout.

In cases like this you have to work out which comes first and what is more
important. there are usually alternative ways to put the complex thought, eg


It came from the water's shattered mirror

bw
SallyE




on 19/9/03 8:49 pm, Colin dewar at [log in to unmask] wrote:

> Mike,
>
> Thanks for this. Originally I had the first lines: "It came from water
THAT
> WAS like a shattered mirror". Is this preferable IYO or does it add
> clumsiness to clarity?
>
> No worries if you don't have time to reply and thanks for answering my
other
> Q about PK.
>
> Colin
>
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Monday, September 15, 2003 8:46 AM
> Subject: Re: newsub/territory
>
>
>> Hello Colin,
> A very nice idea as a subject for a poem and I think you
> handle it well. I felt quite strongly after the first reading that I
> preferred the second part of the poem. Indeed I was puzzled about what
> exactly was going on until I reached S2 but then it all became clear so no
> worries. You might like to think over how those opening lines are put
> together, though. For instance, in the first line `like a shattered
mirror´
> could refer to the water or to `it´. Just a thought.
>
>
>
> Best wishes,   Mike
>
>
>
>> From: Colin dewar <[log in to unmask]>
>> Date: 2003/09/12 Fri PM 08:07:45 EEST
>> To: [log in to unmask]
>> Subject: newsub/territory
>>
>> Territory
>>
>> It came from water like a shattered mirror,
>> lit by sun and whitened at noon.
>> It came from a pool
>> where evening light left tiger skin on the pebbled bed.
>> It became a wet jewel that quivered in our net,
>> sun-spotted beyond a staring eye,
>> a torpedo of muscle that bent
>> from side to side.
>>
>> How we liked
>> the slip of it into the bucket.
>> Once we had one we caught one more
>> and then another,
>> three of them dashing like bullets
>> against the sky-blue floor
>> of the bucket, my son's head down
>> almost into the tamed water,
>> his first knowledge of the brown trout
>> that we took to our house.
>>
>> They bolted for cover
>> to the back of the tank,
>> a week later came out for bloodworm,
>> but one grew faster than the others,
>> wanted the tank to itself.
>> Silver scales fell when they met.
>>
>> So we went to the water,
>> my son leaning as he carried the bucket,
>> and slipped them in,
>> saw skins darken to brown
>> as they came home.
>>
>> We still hold the river in our minds,
>> imagine trout in the mountain hollow,
>> hidden by shadow and fragments of reflected sky.
>> We know them surrounded by stars,
>> by storms, by sun and moon,
>> striving for space in their dark pool.
>>
>>
>>
>> _________________________________
>>
>>
>> Colin
>>
>>