Mike,
Thanks for this. Originally I had the first lines: "It came from water THAT
WAS like a shattered mirror". Is this preferable IYO or does it add
clumsiness to clarity?
No worries if you don't have time to reply and thanks for answering my other
Q about PK.
Colin
----- Original Message -----
From: <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Monday, September 15, 2003 8:46 AM
Subject: Re: newsub/territory
> Hello Colin,
A very nice idea as a subject for a poem and I think you
handle it well. I felt quite strongly after the first reading that I
preferred the second part of the poem. Indeed I was puzzled about what
exactly was going on until I reached S2 but then it all became clear so no
worries. You might like to think over how those opening lines are put
together, though. For instance, in the first line `like a shattered mirrorī
could refer to the water or to `itī. Just a thought.
Best wishes, Mike
> From: Colin dewar <[log in to unmask]>
> Date: 2003/09/12 Fri PM 08:07:45 EEST
> To: [log in to unmask]
> Subject: newsub/territory
>
> Territory
>
> It came from water like a shattered mirror,
> lit by sun and whitened at noon.
> It came from a pool
> where evening light left tiger skin on the pebbled bed.
> It became a wet jewel that quivered in our net,
> sun-spotted beyond a staring eye,
> a torpedo of muscle that bent
> from side to side.
>
> How we liked
> the slip of it into the bucket.
> Once we had one we caught one more
> and then another,
> three of them dashing like bullets
> against the sky-blue floor
> of the bucket, my son's head down
> almost into the tamed water,
> his first knowledge of the brown trout
> that we took to our house.
>
> They bolted for cover
> to the back of the tank,
> a week later came out for bloodworm,
> but one grew faster than the others,
> wanted the tank to itself.
> Silver scales fell when they met.
>
> So we went to the water,
> my son leaning as he carried the bucket,
> and slipped them in,
> saw skins darken to brown
> as they came home.
>
> We still hold the river in our minds,
> imagine trout in the mountain hollow,
> hidden by shadow and fragments of reflected sky.
> We know them surrounded by stars,
> by storms, by sun and moon,
> striving for space in their dark pool.
>
>
>
> _________________________________
>
>
> Colin
>
>
|