Hello Colin,
Thanks for this and your response to the Nervous revision. I´m thinking over your suggestions.
Best wishes, Mike
Mike,
Please see below:
Colin
----- Original Message -----
From: "Mike Horwood" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Wednesday, September 10, 2003 1:24 PM
Subject: New sub: Witness
Witness
There are those days of knowledge DELETE FULL
when nature knows more than she tells,
when seeds sprout awareness
and that stillness under the waving branches
betrays INTENT.
Events are recorded in minute detail
WITH each nobble and groove of the tree´s bark
and the trunk, rigid with excitement,
reflects on them.
THIS BECOMES A BIT MIXED TOWARDS THE END:
EVENTS RECORDED (OKAY)
TRUNK RIGID (FAIR ENOUGH)
TRUNK REFLECTS (NO, I THOUGHT IT WAS RIGID)
On such a day he stood with bandaged wrists,
afraid to move a foot
that might disturb the whispering twigs,
while in his focused eye was mirrored
all this watching, listening world.
THIS LAST STANZA IS MARVELLOUS AND THERE'S NOTHING I WOULD CHANGE HERE.
Overall I like it. It captures a state of mind well, IMO. Or states of mind.
There is some incongruity between reflects and rigid as above. Suggest
deletion of the last 2 lines of S1.
Mike
ORIGINAL:
Witness
There are those days full of knowledge
when nature knows more than she tells,
when seeds sprout awareness
and that stillness under the waving branches
betrays intense concentration.
Events are recorded in minute detail
in each nobble and groove of the tree´s bark
and the trunk, rigid with excitement,
reflects on them.
On such a day he stood with bandaged wrists,
afraid to move a foot
that might disturb the whispering twigs,
while in his focused eye was mirrored
all this watching, listening world.
Mike
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