shalom shah
In a message dated 09.01.03 6:05:58 PM, [log in to unmask] writes:
<< Playful Relation
The sky extends its stretch
and clouds can't cover it entirely.
As they run to cover the east
a blue is exposed in the west; [you don't need a semi-colon and a conjunction
– maybe delete and? – you don't need a before blue imho]
and a run to the south leaves
a bare patch in northern belt. [the northern belt?]
In desperation, clouds complain:
"Look papa, the sky doesn't allow us to win."
And laughing with fullness of heart
the ocean embraces the entire sky. [I like this personification in the end]
-- >>
I like the game metpahor.
kol tuv, Ryfkah
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