Colin, here are some suggested cuts. I would ditch several lines as they get
into what is called pathetic fallacy (giving feelings to nature, especially
when such use seems unbelievable).
<< Water cycle
Snow melted from old slopes
and springs squeezed
from fissures where old rock parted
and the stream received
the falling of water from rock,
water clear like air, neither ice nor cloud;
still leaving only mud and gravel in its bed
from old slopes brought down.
The river ran while it was new,
gurgled among flowers,
slipped from the edges of stones
and splashed from the dipper's back,
but with parched plains ahead,
where it would be drawn upward,
evaporate and thin,
to become the rain.
>> Other than a word or two this is basically your poem without stating the
feelings of the stream. You may hate it,
but it is a suggestion that would in my opinion strengthen this poem. There
is of course a correlation between the stream and the life of man. Sue
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