Hi David,
I really like this poem! It's also a striking title. Enigmatic.
Unforgettable. (If I came across the title in the future I'd immediately
recall the poem that will follow it!) It announces the poem (and its
content) really well!
It's short lines and all the space around it gives a feeling of emptiness as
well as making what it says very striking.
... so I'm not over-happy with the last 7 lines... I guess you have to make
the choices but there's lots of small phrases that needn't be there. It
feels cluttered. (I'll put what I think are the clutter-up phrases in
brackets, cos I'm wanting the poem to work in the same way all the way
through.). You might want to include bits I'm wanting to exclude but I'm
thinking of form as well as content.
The small neat rhythmical blocks of words you've used from the start seem to
want to carry on through to the end.
Bob
P.S. I don't think I could spit that far after a night out!





>From: "D.C Bursey" <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: #?Eleven minuites past nine on the twenty fifth of November-
>Date: Thu, 2 Jan 2003 21:39:23 -0330
>
>One green grape
>  holds the vine
>  in it's heart.
>
>Tears blackened
>by office makeup,
>paint lines on a pretty face.
>
>She stared at an empty chair.
>Her  green dress was faded
>and shrunk in the wash.
>
>Loneliness sickens
>a saturday morning.
>One green grape left to eat,
>
>She spit the stone, (new line?)it bounced on the bowl,
>and stuck to his picture,
(>across the room, in a glass frame.)
>
>She (smiles,) stares at the stone,
>smiles again and knows(, at that moment,)
>life goes on and she will not be alone
>
(>in her universe.)


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