I like this very much
apart from one small section
which I'll highlight below
----- Original Message -----
From: "c s shah" <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Tuesday, August 12, 2003 5:40 PM
Subject: NEW:Alienation
> Alienation
>
> I
>
> I stand a foot away from the truth,
> inside the mirror; not exactly afraid.
> Senses draw me out,
> and I'm dragged with them,
> emptying myself in the process;
> the truth is whisked away -
> like external reflection inside a mirror.
>
> I close the gap - try to open the mirror;
> hands meet, but not in flesh,
> cold glass interferes in experiencing
> that is desirable, and real.
It should be
interferes with
not in
Although you can use the expression "interfere in ..."
in a context like
"The mother interferes in her daughter's marragie"
but this is a different sort of context
I'm also not sure the the gerund case is right either
nor the word "that"
and whilst "in flesh" is an acceptable alternative
for the more common "in the flesh"
I think this stanza would benefit from recasting
my suggestion would be something along the lines of
I close the gap - try to open the mirror;
hands meet, but not of flesh,
cold glass interferes with the experience,
desirable and real.
> You do not laugh,
> nor do we recognize each other,
> communication retreats in wardrobes
> where suits and saris hang face to face.
>
> "hello," and "hi" are mere words;
> compulsions for carrying out dead business;
> too heavy is the load.
> I must start loving myself again
> a sure way to love others,
> including you, dear.
> --
>
> II
>
> Sun-rays angle through the trees,
> shadows lengthen to cover a far off hut;
> four iron bars across a square window
> divide the space into five parallels;
> a hand tries to measure the distance,
> the shadow is still to cross the point
> to call it a night.
> --
>
> c s shah
The rest of the poem is quite excellent
yours
Gerald
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