Thank you for your considered input.
kol tuv, Ryfkah
In a message dated 08.12.03 11:22:04 AM, [log in to unmask] writes:
<< Ryfkah,
I'm less keen on the individual images (which seem over-familiar and
uninspired) than on the overall effect of the poem and in the originality of
method in conveying the waking moment. What I mean is that if I read it
through slowly with attention to detail it seems bland but if I read it
quickly it seems strong and economical. If you were to change anything it
would not be the overall form of the poem, especially the creative and
energetic use of simple words and statements after both stanzas, but the
images. e.g. "birds slumber on sinuous wings could be replaced with
"birds.......", I don't know what, but something a bit more vivid.
Colin
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