Shalom Shah,
In a message dated 08.03.03 10:07:57 PM, [log in to unmask] writes:
<< The Escape
I let loose the catch for the lovebird to fly; [I like the layers here]
the golden cage looked askance with a gaping dismay. [Maybe you could pare
this down to the golden cage gaped with dismay...something like that...seems too
many words]
A tear appeared in its eye. [Do you need in its eye? Where else would a tear
appear?]
'Why does your eye cry dear?' [Who is crying?]
'I'm afraid the bird was late in escaping,
the automatic door might slam in his face.'
'But the window would be open; don't fear.'
As the door closed
tentacles pierced the grilles [I like the wind being like some sort of sea
creature here; not sure how it ties to chariot below]
from the chariot of whistling wind [I like chariot of whistling wind...sound
and sense]
and the bird disappeared
in the infinite expanse.
The train continued its journey. [Didn't get the sense of a train until now.]
--
c s shah >>
kol tuv, Ryfkah
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