Thanks Terri, you've sent me back to the poem. Philip




>From: alderoak <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: new submission MOON DAY (third draft) (Bob)
>Date: Sat, 18 Jan 2003 20:33:30 -0000
>
>I like the half rhymes esp. bus/moustache
>I missed the first version of the last stanza - and i halt over the
>sisters/hers - too close, wrong lines
>
>The moon as a shop-girl - or the shop-girl as a moon - I love the ambiguity
>of direction here - the whole thing muses on the edge of consciousness
>
>Terri )O(
>
>-----Original Message-----
>From: The Pennine Poetry Works [mailto:[log in to unmask]]On
>Behalf Of Philip Burton
>Sent: 18 January 2003 09:59
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: new submission MOON DAY (third draft) (Bob)
>
>
>Thanks Bob for your very helpful incisive thoughts. The fading near-rhyme
>scheme was intentional - tuned to the fading daylight moon - though I see
>that it distracts, or detracts.I'll stay with it, though I'll give more
>thought in future. My rhyming is over-confident and disappoints my readers
>sometimes, but it is a spring in my poetry clock that has to be boioioinged
>from time to time.
>
>I agree with your comment about the 'seems' verse. And the last verse could
>go. Try this:
>
>
>PHILIP BURTON,
>2 FOXDALE CLOSE,
>BACUP,
>           LANCS
>OL13 9PN
>
>           MOON DAY                                      PHILIP BURTON –
>10/01/03
>
>
>One of those ambiguous days
>when the moon hangs out in the sun
>and Venus is lit by a festive bulb
>as you queue at the stop for town
>
>The full day moon is a shop-girl
>you’re shocked to see, from the bus,
>ghost through defensive walls
>like ice on a winter moustache
>
>The single ticket is pale and rich
>twice doubled with lilac shadow
>Cats’ eyes wink on the river
>The roads are blind with snow
>
>The moon, like a keeping sister
>grips your hand briefly in hers
>burns her trim face onto yours
>signing you off on your own
>
>
>
>Best regards and thanks again. Philip
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> >From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
> >Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> >To: [log in to unmask]
> >Subject: Re: new submission MOON DAY (third draft)
> >Date: Fri, 17 Jan 2003 17:24:49 +0000
> >
> >Hi Philip,
> >I'm still enjoying the smile I find when I read this - but, my 
>two-pennorth
> >- as the poem goes on, I find the end line (nearly) rhyme sounds fading 
>and
> >diminishing until they've gone altogether...
> >I, too, don't think the last stanza is much cop (I'd ditch it if this 
>were
> >my poem!) And, again - if it were my poem - I'd wonder about this 
>couplet:
> >"And for a day the world seems
> >>capable of being transparent."
> >which seems weakest in the poem... I think it's the word "seems" which
> >sounds maybe a tad wistful more than surreal...
> >Bob
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >>From: Philip Burton <[log in to unmask]>
> >>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> >>To: [log in to unmask]
> >>Subject: new submission MOON DAY (third draft)
> >>Date: Sun, 12 Jan 2003 10:15:07 +0000
> >>
> >>MOON DAY
> >>
> >>
> >>One of those ambiguous days
> >>when the moon hangs out in the sun
> >>and Venus is lit by a festival bulb
> >>as you queue at the stop for town
> >>
> >>The full day moon is a shop-girl
> >>you’re shocked to see, on the bus,
> >>ghost through defensive walls
> >>like ice on a winter moustache
> >>
> >>The single ticket is pale and rich
> >>twice doubled with lilac shadow
> >>And cats’ eyes wink on the river
> >>and roads are marshmallow
> >>
> >>The moon, like a keeping sister
> >>grips your hand briefly in hers
> >>burns her grand face onto yours
> >>signing you off on your own
> >>
> >>And for a day the world seems
> >>capable of being transparent.
> >>And people even smile a little
> >>as if something mattered
> >>
> >>But, a repentant flea, the moon
> >>returns to her market stall
> >>And the terminus call is made
> >>and the plan of the day takes over
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>_________________________________________________________________
> >>MSN 8 with e-mail virus protection service: 2 months FREE*
> >>http://join.msn.com/?page=features/virus
> >
> >
> >_________________________________________________________________
> >The new MSN 8 is here: Try it free* for 2 months
> >http://join.msn.com/?page=dept/dialup
>
>
>_________________________________________________________________
>MSN 8 with e-mail virus protection service: 2 months FREE*
>http://join.msn.com/?page=features/virus


_________________________________________________________________
Protect your PC - get McAfee.com VirusScan Online 
http://clinic.mcafee.com/clinic/ibuy/campaign.asp?cid=3963