My first reaction to this as I read it was to think there were far too many
different metaphors employed so that none were strong enough to carry too
much weight
but perhaps there are things that might be done
so I've a few suggestions in the text below


----- Original Message -----
From: "Colin dewar" <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Friday, August 01, 2003 8:00 PM
Subject: newsub/interview


> Advice on editing please.....
>
>
> On the interview panel
>
> We do not interview people but peacocks

I think this line spoils the poem right at the beginning
why not open with

We interview peacocks

[the reader knows instinctively then that this is satire]

> preened for the occasion.
> Their cold clammy hands
>
> clutch at mine like claws.
> They are like cats or dogs in a shop
> watching with anxious eyes.

consider
like cats and dogs in the shelter
they watch with anxious eyes

> We compare them like grey hounds demonstrating form.

try cutting out some occurrences of them and they
eg
we compare these greyhounds demonstrating form

> They are like chimps in a lab
> and what we ask of them is awful.
>
> We prod them with questions to see how they respond.
> We poke and pry
> until their mouths open like flowers
>
> to show their gay hearts.
> We put our hands down their throats and squeeze them.
> They are so eager to please.
>
> How their avarice and anger are denied.
> We press them like oranges to the last drip
> searching for the sweetness of ambition
>
> and expel the pith.
> We force them to declare themselves,
> to state their weaknesses
>
> and they expose shell.
> We crack and peel them like prawns
> and they are grilled in the heat

consider
we crack and peel prawns
grilled in the heat

> of this narrow, imperial sun.
> We do all this and learn nothing of who they are,
> or why they have come.
>
>
> Colin

If you bring all these different images
peacocks/grehounds/chimps/prawns &c
in as though it were some pythonesque sketch
and stopped saying "like" -- emphasising that these are similies
then you might have a much stronger poem

yours
Gerald