Hi Colin,
I guess it's play-time...
I mean it might be possible to make a feature of all the similies - and
perhaps ration them to one a stanza or some other way of ordering them...
and doing that might highlight the original ones and also draw attention to
those that feel pale or weak.
I feel the form could well become clearer when some of the stanzas start to
feel rhymic and you can see their shape on the screen/page.
I've also put comments against a couple of the lines that seem kinda
crumbly...
I like the tone of the piece - sort of loud enough/confident enough to say
outrageous things - and then expect to get away with saying them! (I mean it
could start "We interview peacocks... etc." and then you'd really have to
make sure all your similies were up to the strength, the originality, of the
first one!).
Having been on both sides of the table at different times I'm enjoying what
the poem's about. (Not that it's like that - honest!)
Bob
>From: Colin dewar <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: newsub/interview
>Date: Fri, 1 Aug 2003 20:00:26 +0100
>
>Advice on editing please.....
>
>
>On the interview panel
>
>We do not interview people but peacocks
>preened for the occasion.
>Their cold clammy hands
>
>clutch at mine like claws.
>They are like cats or dogs in a shop
>watching with anxious eyes.
>
>We compare them like grey hounds demonstrating form. (IS COMPARE THE RIGHT
>WORD, OR IS DEMONSTRATING RIGHT? - I LOVE THE IDEA OF A CV AND FORM FROM A
>BETTING SHOP/DOG TRACK BEING LINKED!)
>They are like chimps in a lab
>and what we ask of them is awful. (A SLIP HERE? -- DO YOU MEAN TO ADMIT
>IT'S AWFUL? CAN'T YOU SHOW US SOMETHING SO WE CAN SENSE THE AWFULNESS?)
>
>We prod them with questions to see how they respond.
>We poke and pry
>until their mouths open like flowers
>
>to show their gay hearts. (NO!!!!)
>We put our hands down their throats and squeeze them.
>They are so eager to please.
>
>How their avarice and anger are denied.
>We press them like oranges to the last drip
>searching for the sweetness of ambition
>
>and expel the pith.
>We force them to declare themselves, (BIT VAGUE????)
>to state their weaknesses
>
>and they expose shell.
>We crack and peel them like prawns
>and they are grilled in the heat
>
>of this narrow, imperial sun. ("IMPERIAL"????)
>We do all this and learn nothing of who they are,
>or why they have come.
>
>
>Colin
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