Gerald , let me thank you for your detailed and valued analysis of the
piece.
I hope you read my reply to Colin's response where I have explained my
intent.
I shall incorporate your points where I can.
I would like the whole to be read as a whole and not as an exercise in
writing haiku per se.
The thousand sunsets is the image taken from the trout's re-entry to the
river scattering the light from the sunset so where there was one wobbly
sunset there are a thousand/many. I didn't really count them * smile*, a
poetic 'thousand', shall we say.
The 'smells' dilemma fascinates me as from its place it flickers between
being a verb and being a noun. I had thought to strengthen this paradox by
removing all punctuation so that it can indeed flicker and be both. The
comma rather accentuates the noun aspect, don't you think.
I was going to present 'wind' as 'winds', removing punctuation, then it can
be read with a long 'i' sound or a short'i', winds=wanders or winds=
pluralized wind, which would give another dimension to the sheep drive.
I am truly grateful for your input as I have learned much, Gerald. Thanks
for your time. Regards Arthur.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Gerald England" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Friday, August 01, 2003 4:38 PM
Subject: Re: New sub: In pursuit of the elusive haiku


The dilemma faced by one in critiquing these is twofold

a) I can comment on them as examples of short poems

b) I can comment on whether or not they are examples of  "haiku"

the two are separate judgements
so I'll try and attempt to do both

----- Original Message -----
From: "arthur seeley" <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Thursday, July 31, 2003 8:39 AM
Subject: New sub: In pursuit of the elusive haiku


In pursuit of the elusive haiku.



Brown hands on warm stone.
River low through a dry summer,
smells of sweet rot.

 a) an interesting image -- one that repays pondering as it can be
interpreted in different ways

b) a bit too  wordy
slight confusion over whether "smell" belongs to river
i.e. the river smells -- in whcih case there should perhaps be a comma after
river
or to "sweet rot"
i.e. odour of rotting whatever
in which case you've got three images and haiku should really one have two.

Swift flits of a collie,
sheep billow down the fell;
wind through bent reeds.

a) swift flits is a bit tongue-twist-ish but I think I rather like it

b) three distinct images -- not a haiku
"sheep billow" is a metaphor which works well as a poetic device
but is not appropriate in haiku

Berries redden;
a dead leaf spins
on the river’s skin.

 a) neat

b) two contrasting but related images -- a true haiku

All things turn.



Time erodes banks,
branch-snagged debris decay;
ducks slap through mud.

a) isn't "debris" a mass noun? -- hence it should be "decays"
love the image of ducks slapping

b)  Time erodes banks is a "statement" that "tells" rather than "shows"
if you changed it to
"eroded banks"
then this would be a true haiku
you don't need to introduce the non-concrete concept "Time"

Summer melts into autumn.
A trout arcs and plummets;
a thousand sunsets dance.

 a)
the opening line is a "truism"
nice image of the trout
but what exactly do you mean by "a thousand sunsets"?
perhaps your implication is that these things perpetuate
but my immediate reaction is "so what?"

b) much too abstract for haiku


haze on the fell,
dew on the lawns of morning,
ice on stones.

 a) so-so
as part of a sequence [and maybe the whole *is* a sequence -- and I'm doing
it a disservice not treating it as such] this might be OK
but as a free-standing piece it doesn't work for me.

b) three separate images -- not a haiku

HTH [hope this helps]

yours
Gerald