James,
I don't know if this applies and please ignore me if it doesn't but I can't
help wondering if there is a good metaphor in there. I asked you once before
if you were aiming for a symbolic content and you said you weren't and so
I'm skating on this ice here, but if you did want to think of an extended
metaphor you could think first what the sentiment was that was most
important to you as you moved around that place and then consider carefully
the physical resources there that might express it. That might require a lot
of mulling over the different aspects of things, giving yourself over to
them and reflecting on the associations arising from them. I find that the
connections betwen a landscape and a state of mind don't come easily but
need to be considered separately from each other.
Colin
----- Original Message -----
From: "James Bell" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Thursday, July 31, 2003 8:49 AM
Subject: Re: New sub: From Stone(Colin)
> Thanks Colin. I need time to absorb detailed comments so hve printed these
> off. S2 yearning is referring to the gulls and would suggest this is
clear.
> There is a disparity between stanzas, very incisive for you to notice.
Again
> thanks for the constructive comment.
>
>
>
> bw
> James
>
>
>
>
>
> >From: Colin dewar <[log in to unmask]>
> >Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> >To: [log in to unmask]
> >Subject: Re: New sub: From Stone
> >Date: Mon, 28 Jul 2003 22:02:02 +0100
> >
> >James,
> >
> >
> >There's something not quite right about this poem and I'm not sure what
it
> >is. There are some small problems: L3-5 of S1 too abstract. Not sure how
> >all
> >these words relate to the shared world (of poet and reader). Not sure if
it
> >is narrator or birds that are yearning in S3. In any case, suggest
removal
> >of "that" in 6/3. There's a bigger problem and I'm beginning to wonder if
> >it's that the parts of the poem don't come together. The last two lines
> >seem
> >tacked on. They don't carry any sense of inevitability arising from the
> >preceding stanzas. Then the gulls come across as something that you see
at
> >random after you have looked up from the mud.
> >
> >Another concern is the conclusion of the poem: is it that everything from
> >gull to humans have arisen from simpler life forms? Is it enough for the
> >reader?
> >
> >
> >
> >BW
> >Colin
> >
> >
> >----- Original Message -----
> >From: "James Bell" <[log in to unmask]>
> >To: <[log in to unmask]>
> >Sent: Monday, July 28, 2003 1:44 PM
> >Subject: New sub: From Stone
> >
> >
> > > I guess they just keep coming. Maybe I need a change of scene.
> > >
> > > FROM STONE
> > >
> > > Just beyond the stillness of stone
> > > and its ultimate hush
> > > there's a buzz of small sounds inside
> > > and oozing from the river mud;
> > > voices that can no longer be contained.
> > >
> > > I stop to strain and listen
> > > as strange sounds from stone continue
> > > expect a rush of miniscule creatures
> > > to rush the bank where I stand
> > > any second.
> > >
> > > Two black headed gulls
> > > do their mating dance on the slipway;
> > > in their cries that go on
> > > through ruffled feathers in a cold wind
> > > I see their passion, yearning,
> > > a wild poetry that only they can understand.
> > >
> > > Strange to think we were all once
> > > small sounds that emerged from stone
> > >
> > >
> > > bw
> > > James
> > >
> > > _________________________________________________________________
> > > Use MSN Messenger to send music and pics to your friends
> > > http://www.msn.co.uk/messenger
> > >
>
> _________________________________________________________________
> Hotmail messages direct to your mobile phone
http://www.msn.co.uk/msnmobile
>
|
