I like the half rhymes esp. bus/moustache
I missed the first version of the last stanza - and i halt over the
sisters/hers - too close, wrong lines
The moon as a shop-girl - or the shop-girl as a moon - I love the ambiguity
of direction here - the whole thing muses on the edge of consciousness
Terri )O(
-----Original Message-----
From: The Pennine Poetry Works [mailto:[log in to unmask]]On
Behalf Of Philip Burton
Sent: 18 January 2003 09:59
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: new submission MOON DAY (third draft) (Bob)
Thanks Bob for your very helpful incisive thoughts. The fading near-rhyme
scheme was intentional - tuned to the fading daylight moon - though I see
that it distracts, or detracts.I'll stay with it, though I'll give more
thought in future. My rhyming is over-confident and disappoints my readers
sometimes, but it is a spring in my poetry clock that has to be boioioinged
from time to time.
I agree with your comment about the 'seems' verse. And the last verse could
go. Try this:
PHILIP BURTON,
2 FOXDALE CLOSE,
BACUP,
LANCS
OL13 9PN
MOON DAY PHILIP BURTON –
10/01/03
One of those ambiguous days
when the moon hangs out in the sun
and Venus is lit by a festive bulb
as you queue at the stop for town
The full day moon is a shop-girl
you’re shocked to see, from the bus,
ghost through defensive walls
like ice on a winter moustache
The single ticket is pale and rich
twice doubled with lilac shadow
Cats’ eyes wink on the river
The roads are blind with snow
The moon, like a keeping sister
grips your hand briefly in hers
burns her trim face onto yours
signing you off on your own
Best regards and thanks again. Philip
>From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: new submission MOON DAY (third draft)
>Date: Fri, 17 Jan 2003 17:24:49 +0000
>
>Hi Philip,
>I'm still enjoying the smile I find when I read this - but, my two-pennorth
>- as the poem goes on, I find the end line (nearly) rhyme sounds fading and
>diminishing until they've gone altogether...
>I, too, don't think the last stanza is much cop (I'd ditch it if this were
>my poem!) And, again - if it were my poem - I'd wonder about this couplet:
>"And for a day the world seems
>>capable of being transparent."
>which seems weakest in the poem... I think it's the word "seems" which
>sounds maybe a tad wistful more than surreal...
>Bob
>
>
>
>
>
>
>>From: Philip Burton <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: new submission MOON DAY (third draft)
>>Date: Sun, 12 Jan 2003 10:15:07 +0000
>>
>>MOON DAY
>>
>>
>>One of those ambiguous days
>>when the moon hangs out in the sun
>>and Venus is lit by a festival bulb
>>as you queue at the stop for town
>>
>>The full day moon is a shop-girl
>>you’re shocked to see, on the bus,
>>ghost through defensive walls
>>like ice on a winter moustache
>>
>>The single ticket is pale and rich
>>twice doubled with lilac shadow
>>And cats’ eyes wink on the river
>>and roads are marshmallow
>>
>>The moon, like a keeping sister
>>grips your hand briefly in hers
>>burns her grand face onto yours
>>signing you off on your own
>>
>>And for a day the world seems
>>capable of being transparent.
>>And people even smile a little
>>as if something mattered
>>
>>But, a repentant flea, the moon
>>returns to her market stall
>>And the terminus call is made
>>and the plan of the day takes over
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
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