Ann,
Deciding where to break the lines is a very personal thing, but I felt some
of the lines were too short, for no reason.
For instance, the beginning:
From crowded
yesterdays they come,
Spread across 2 lines that looks the opposite of crowded to me.
Are coffin-nails incorruptible? Don't they rust?
'till there is only winter:
till doesn't require an apostrophe.
Constructing it's
more permanent border:
its -no apostrophe-is the possessive pronoun. It's is the abbreviation for
'it is'
Also I don't like a linebreak on a pronoun like this, unless there's a very
good reason for it. I can't see how it enhances a sense of permanence here.
Apologies if none of these comments are of help.
Kind regards,
grasshopper
----- Original Message -----
From: V. W.
To: [log in to unmask]
Sent: Tuesday, July 29, 2003 8:24 PM
Subject: [THE-WORKS] New Sub: Finders
Finders
From crowded
yesterdays they come,
pushing their faces
into mine.
Arriving at certain
times of the year,
clamorous as crows.
Who knows how they find me?
These half familiars
rise up like spectres,
incorruptible as coffin nails.
Impale each small dream
to a shrinking horizion.
Narrowing
the season's
fertile abundance,
'till there is only winter,
flinty and hard.
Constructing it's
more permanent border.
Ann Stockton
|