James,
There's something not quite right about this poem and I'm not sure what it
is. There are some small problems: L3-5 of S1 too abstract. Not sure how all
these words relate to the shared world (of poet and reader). Not sure if it
is narrator or birds that are yearning in S3. In any case, suggest removal
of "that" in 6/3. There's a bigger problem and I'm beginning to wonder if
it's that the parts of the poem don't come together. The last two lines seem
tacked on. They don't carry any sense of inevitability arising from the
preceding stanzas. Then the gulls come across as something that you see at
random after you have looked up from the mud.
Another concern is the conclusion of the poem: is it that everything from
gull to humans have arisen from simpler life forms? Is it enough for the
reader?
BW
Colin
----- Original Message -----
From: "James Bell" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Monday, July 28, 2003 1:44 PM
Subject: New sub: From Stone
> I guess they just keep coming. Maybe I need a change of scene.
>
> FROM STONE
>
> Just beyond the stillness of stone
> and its ultimate hush
> there's a buzz of small sounds inside
> and oozing from the river mud;
> voices that can no longer be contained.
>
> I stop to strain and listen
> as strange sounds from stone continue
> expect a rush of miniscule creatures
> to rush the bank where I stand
> any second.
>
> Two black headed gulls
> do their mating dance on the slipway;
> in their cries that go on
> through ruffled feathers in a cold wind
> I see their passion, yearning,
> a wild poetry that only they can understand.
>
> Strange to think we were all once
> small sounds that emerged from stone
>
>
> bw
> James
>
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