'll just piggy back in to this intriguing poem. Suggest: "to kill creatures
who compose pantoums". Suggest: "and heartbeats so similar to
ours/result.....Not keen on the mixed metaphor between notes and arguments
(i.e. over those 3 lines). Suggest: "between its notes and lines its
telegraph/of feeling, unwanted argument." Suggest removal of last line
altogether. Never mind the poetic problems. It ventures an interpretation of
complexity that makes the narrator seem unnecessarily grandiose and
judgmental. Just stop at chaos. That's already damning enough. Oh and one
more thing I've just noted "us listeners" and all other refs to common
consent simplifies things too much and makes the poem seem like a
pseudo-objective statement. Why not keep it all in the first person and that
way it continues to say something generic about the difficulties of
communication, either inside poetry or out of it, rather than splitting the
world into clever people and stupid people or good poets and bad poets.
I'm interested in this poem and I'm sure I'll remember it for a long time.
Colin
----- Original Message -----
From: "Sally Evans" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Monday, July 28, 2003 3:24 PM
Subject: Re: New sub: Alien bards
yes Bob, Jim also disliked last line.
Did I go, Oh I'm sick of this, let's kill it?
Anyway it was my first SF try,I'll think it over
bw
SallyE
on 28/7/03 12:45 pm, Bob Cooper at [log in to unmask] wrote:
> Hi Sally,
> Been reading the martian postcards again, eh?
> This is canny, it makesw me chuckle, it makes me wonder too...
> I really like this, how it takes me along, surprises me... it's doing a
> really good job (IMHO) until the last 3 lines when I sort of feel a tad
> dissapointed by the last line... Could it be that the word "alien" has
been
> used already two lines up, so I'm merely hearing it again? (maybe...)
Could
> it be that I sort of feel dissapointed that a poem of such strong images
> sort of tails away with its last line... (possibly).
> So, I'm thinking what/how would I rather it ended? A far stronger line?
> probably... something that works the comedy and, as comedy often needs,
> presents tragedy... (possibly). I don't know... I'm just thinking...
> Bob
>
>
>> From: Sally Evans <[log in to unmask]>
>> Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>> To: [log in to unmask]
>> Subject: New sub: Alien bards
>> Date: Fri, 25 Jul 2003 22:37:53 +0100
>>
>>
>>
>> Alien bards
>>
>> Physical abstract voices add postcards
>> of sound to grey-lined portraits on the screen,
>> tremble above the lectern. Alien bards
>> beam in from another galaxy
>> to this receptive planetšs meeting-rooms.
>> They use the power of something sonnet-like
>> but kill creatures who who compose pantoums.
>> Sensors not unlike our inner ear
>> and heartbeats of great similarity
>> to ours, result in rhymes that mix loud booms
>> with treble flutes we can but faintly hear.
>> We try to process their sad music, feel
>> between its notes and lines its telegraph
>> of feeling, fall foul of the tadpole-stuff
>> that hops its way along their argument.
>> But when we come to study it wešre stumped.
>> No key unlocks it, for it has no lock,
>> no door - it is a parallel universe.
>> Those bards woo us in vain with alien verse
>> and so consign us listeners to chaos.
>> I wish I had not heard the alien bards.
>>
>> Sally Evans
>>
>
> _________________________________________________________________
> Find a cheaper internet access deal - choose one to suit you.
> http://www.msn.co.uk/internetaccess
|