Hi Steve,
Good to read from you again! And a good poem to read!
One or two have already picked little nits - like the "or" hanging out on
its own... - and the tongue twistingness of some of the phrases (can it be
mumbled, can it be hollered? -- tho those are slightly unfair questions to
ask because it is a piece that seems to need a conversational quietish tone
to work at its best...).
I'm a bit dubious about the "dwelt" word as well. (Feels sort of poeticly
inclined to me!)
And the "bright blue sphere above" sounds sort of iffy as well - sort of
makes it end (too much) like a poem ends - and a romantic poem at that! I
sort of feel he'd feel better with other words said...
Bob


>From: [log in to unmask]
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New sub - Missing Person
>Date: Sun, 27 Jul 2003 13:42:27 +0100
>
>Missing Person
>
>
>
>After a while, they left him to it:
>
>Thinking they would only find ashes or a stone,
>
>Or scribbled, gnomic notes along the path.
>
>
>
>Gradually, like a dust-mote, he fell between
>
>the parchments of history,
>
>Landing where you would least expect:
>
>
>
>Up neglected unnamed lanes
>
>Trimmed with thistles and rusted wire
>
>where the mare-nags crunch docks and sorrell
>
>beside decrepit caravans, or
>
>
>
>Beside bomb-sites blooming with ragwort and fireweed,
>
>The last tatters of a streetplan irrevocably changed.
>
>
>
>Untouched by censuses, unregistered, he dwelt on,
>
>Surrounded by abandoned tyres
>
>Ignoring the broadcast appeals:
>
>
>
>Achieving contentment only he could understand,
>
>He gazed across allotments
>
>At the city's distant cooling-towers
>
>Glistening in the summer haze
>
>Continually adding their steam-clouds
>
>to the bright blue sphere above.
>
>
>STEVE RUDD
>27/07/03

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