Sory a late reply Bob. A valued comment on my work as always., as are the
others who took the time.
bw
James
>From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: Tracks IN The Sand
>Date: Tue, 15 Jul 2003 10:08:02 +0000
>
>Hi James,
>I'm enjoying reading this - but I agree with Frank about where it could
>start (with the 2nd stanza!)...
>And I also feel as if I'm saying the word "I" maybe too many times in the
>same place! Could it be possible to rid the poem of all but one or two?
>Play
>to make it flow as one sentence, perhaps, with an I at the start... But the
>sentence may end up being too long, I admit! So let one or two back in -
>and
>a full stop or two as well... And, if it get's to be impossible to rid the
>poem of enough to hide the ones that are still there on the first lines -
>then change the word ordering so they appear in the second lines (or not
>always at the start of the stanza!).
>In other words, I think the poem needs repetative elements (all poems rely
>on some kind of repetition, I guess, and you've got triplets - so you're
>repeating shapes anyway) but the repetition of "I" seems to come across too
>strongly, IMHO.
>I'm thinking like this because the stanza breaks, and the words like "see",
>"tell" remember" and "recall" all show us the relfective process (and some
>of those words are repeated, too!).
>That the poem implies/infers that the rain AND the tide are needed to
>obliterate the goose tracks is intruiging.
>Bob
>
>
>>From: James Bell <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: New sub: Tracks IN The Sand
>>Date: Mon, 14 Jul 2003 12:22:06 +0000
>>
>>Another river poem.
>>
>>TRACKS IN THE SAND
>>
>>Today is always with me,
>>all I can recall are the tracks
>>of what has already gone.
>>
>>I can see that the river befor me
>>is at its lowest ebb
>>and poised for the incoming tide.
>>
>>I can tell the tide has been out a long time
>>by the way goose tracks
>>to and from the water.
>>
>>I can tell they arrived
>>when the water was higher,
>>and though I can't see them
>>
>>I am able to tell that some
>>are at rest in the long grass
>>beyond where their tracks head off.
>>
>>I recall sayings about building on sand
>>and how it's just asking to be washed away,
>>liike these tracks, with the next tide.
>>
>>I remember time measured by sand
>>and can see in these tracks
>>where the idea originated.
>>
>>Back indoors I see rain now pours
>>in torrents outside where tracks in the sand
>>will go before the tide later today
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>bw
>>James
>>
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