Dear Sue,
I think this works very well, and I don't think a reader would take the
cup as an actual Communion cup.
Just a couple of nits: I think the use of commas in S1 is inconsistent and
'fitted to his feet' suggested to me almost that he was weating them all at
once. Fitted his feet or sounds a little more prosaic, but I think it's
accurate. Come to think of it, is 'know' the right verb here, rather than
'have' or 'kept' ?
Also, have you considered ending S2 on 'what I cannot tell', and beginning
S3 with the communion image, which continues through it?
Kind regards,
grasshopper
----- Original Message -----
From: "Sue Scalf" <[log in to unmask]>>
Sent: Saturday, July 05, 2003 1:42 AM
Subject: Re: [THE-WORKS] Replete (revised)
> Bitter Wine
>
>
> There may be
> a million metaphors:
> a place in the sky
> where there was a star
> or just a tree gone
> and wind blowing
> where no branches are,
> a voice I cannot hear,
> an empty hand.
>
> I know six pairs of shoes
> fitted to his feet,
> the memory of steps--
> clinics, long halls--
> a walking cane that leans,
> a pillow for his head,
> the joke, the belly laugh,
> everything that masks
> what I cannot tell.
> Communion wafers are thin
> as moonlight;
> wine galls the tongue.
>
> Take this cup
> and spill dark seeds
> of blood upon the ground.
> Having drunk my fill,
> I cannot begin again.
>
> Sue Scalf
>
|